The X-Men Present: Lewis Carroll's Alice's Adventures In Wonderland
by Claire's Demons
Summary: The X-Men star in a parody of the novel, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland. I own naught, not even the format, which belongs to Chellerbelle. (Contains slight ROMY and mild JOTT with a dash of JONDA) Review if this fic made you laugh! BONUS CHAPTER UP.
1. Chapter 1- Down the Rabbit Hole

**The X-Men Present: Lewis Carroll's Alice's Adventures in Wonderland**

**Summary: The X-Men star in my parody of Alice in Wonderland. I own naught, not even the format (Chellerbelle's). **

**Disclaimer: ^ up there ^**

* * *

**Chapter 1- Down the Rabbit Hole**

Jean was idly picking daisies to make a daisy chain, which fell apart because she lost focus and it was shoddily made.

She finally gave up on her fruitless ventures and instead looked over the shoulder of her sister, Emma, who was reading a book-

* * *

'Who's Emma?' was the general chorus that heralded the arrival of Emma Frost, a buxom blonde with icy blue eyes that lingered a few moments (a few moments _too long_, in Jean's opinion) on Scott.

**Be nice, everyone. She'll be part of the cast from now on. Hehe…**

'I don't trust that expression on her face,' muttered Rogue.

'You're not alone, chère,' reassured Remy.

* * *

-titled 'Pride and Prejudice'. It had font of an ungodly small size and absolutely no pictures.

'What's the point of a book without illustrations?' wondered Jean, who was beginning to feel the effects of the blazing midday sun in the form of drowsiness.

Just as she was about to doze off, a White Rabbit wearing a ruby-red visor dashed by.

Jean found that quite unremarkable.

Neither did she feel curious when the Rabbit mumbled frantically to himself, 'If I don't get there on time then my name isn't Scott Summers! Oh no! I think I like my name as it is... I don't really want to change it...'

* * *

Scott angrily yelled,' Why am I the Rabbit? No, scratch that. Why am I _A_ rabbit?'

**Because I felt like making you the Rabbit, that's why. **

Scott opened his mouth to further protest, but whatever he was about to say was cut off when a giant glob of cheese descended upon him.

**And now you have all seen for yourselves the many wonders of cheese...**

* * *

In retrospect, she should have wondered about that, but at the time it all seemed quite natural.

Jean's curiosity was finally aroused-

* * *

**REMY! Don't laugh! This story is rated K! **

* * *

-when the Rabbit took a watch out of his waistcoat pocket, glanced at it, and frantically hurried on. Jean jumped to her feet. There was definitely something odd about a rabbit that wore a visor and had a waistcoat to pull a watch from.

She dashed after him, just in time to see him pop down a large rabbit hole. Recklessly, Jean jumped in after him, never once stopping to consider how exactly she was going to get out again.

* * *

'Very wise,' said Wanda sarcastically. 'Jumping down a rabbit hole to who knows where. After a rabbit that is wearing clothes and talking.'

* * *

The rabbit hole stretched straight downwards like some kind of massive tunnel. Either the hole was very deep or Jean fell slowly, because she had plenty of time to look around her and wonder what was going to happen next.

Firstly, she tried to look down to see where she was falling to, but it was too dark to make anything out. Then she looked at the sides of the hole and noticed that they were laden with cupboards and bookshelves. Here and there maps and pictures hung on pegs.

She randomly snatched down a jar as she passed it. It was labeled 'Orange Marmalade' but to her immense disappointment, it was empty. She, being a considerate little girl, did not want to drop the jar for fear of killing someone below. Thus, she put it back onto a shelf as she passed it.

'After a fall like this,' Jean mused,' a tumble down the stairs at home shall be a mere trifle. Why, how brave they'll think me! I wouldn't say anything even if I were to fall off the roof of the house!'

* * *

'Maybe, but I think your parents would be more than a _little _bit alarmed,' said Rogue.

* * *

Down, down, down. The fall seemed virtually endless. She wondered how far she'd fallen. 'I must be getting near to the center of the Earth. Let's see, that would be about four thousand miles.'

Jean had learnt several things of this sort at school. Although there was no one to listen to her show off her knowledge, it was still good practice to repeat it. 'I wonder what latitude and longitude I've reached!' she said, even though she had absolutely no idea what those two words meant. She just thought they were nice grand words to say.

'I wonder if I shall fall right through the Earth! When I finally land, I shall have to ask people what is the name of their country. If you please, ma'am, is this Australia? Or Antarctica?' She tried to curtsy as she spoke, but whoever heard of curtsying while falling through air?

'What an ignorant little girl she'll think me for asking!' sighed Jean. 'Never mind. Perhaps I shall see it written up somewhere.'

As she continued falling, the bored girl began to talk again- this time about her beloved cat, Wolvie.

* * *

Logan growled at the same time as Remy nervously asked,' If you're turning every male into an animal, what am I gonna be?'

**The Mock Turtle.**

The expression on his face was priceless.

**I wish I had a camera.**

* * *

'Wolvie shall miss me very much tonight,' cried Jean. 'Oh, I hope the family will remember his tray of fresh meat at tea-time. Wolvie, dearie, I wish you were here with me! There are no mice in the air, sadly, but there might be a bat or two, and that's very much like a mouse, you know. But do cats eat bats, I wonder?' Presently, Jean began to get rather sleepy and went on talking to herself in a dreamy voice. 'Do cats eat bats? Do cats eat bats? Do bats eat cats?'

Since she couldn't answer either question, it didn't really matter how she phrased it.

She dozed off and dreamt that she was walking with Wolvie. She very earnestly asked him, 'Now, Wolvie, tell me the truth-have you ever eaten a bat?'

Suddenly, she landed in a heap of sticks and leaves. The fall was finally over.

Having been jolted awake, she leapt to her feet. The leaves had cushioned her fall and she was not hurt.

She looked up but it was completely dark overhead. Before her lay another long passage and the Rabbit was still in sight, hurrying along. As Jean ran after him, she heard him say,' Oh my ears and whiskers, how late it's getting!'

She was hot on his heels but when they rounded a corner, he was nowhere to be found. It was almost as if he'd vanished straight into thin air.

Jean found herself in a long, low hall, lit up by a row of lamps hanging from the roof.

There were doors all around the hall but all were locked. Jean tried every single one of them, feeling despondent when none opened. How was she supposed to get out?

Suddenly she happened upon a three-legged glass table with a tiny gold key lying on it. Jean figured that it might belong to one of the doors in the hall, and she excitedly tried opening them with the key. Alas! None of the locks fit the key, which was too small for all of them.

However, when she whirled around, she saw a low curtain she had not noticed before. Behind it was a little door of about fifteen inches. Jean tried the gold key in the lock and it fit! Delighted, she opened the door and found it led into a passage about the size of a rat hole. Looking along the passage, she was mesmerized by what she saw: beds of bright flowers and cool fountains, statues of marble that stood tall and birds that chirped merrily. It was the most beautiful garden she'd ever seen.

Unfortunately for her, she couldn't even get her head into the doorway. 'Oh, how I wish I could just close up like a telescope!' she exclaimed- for so many strange events had happened that she had begun to think that few things were truly impossible.

There was no point in waiting by the door, so she shut it and went back to the table, vaguely hoping to find a book of rules on closing people up like telescopes. Instead, she found a little bottle which had certainly not been there earlier. Around the neck of the bottle was a paper label with the words 'DRINK ME' printed on it in large elegant letters.

Jean was a smart girl, though, and she definitely wasn't going to drink it in a hurry. It could have been poisonous, for all she knew. She promptly checked the bottle for a 'POISON' sign but found none. That didn't mean anything- if someone had wanted to poison her, they wouldn't have labeled the bottle 'POISON'.

Still, it was worth a shot- the little bottle seemed safe enough. She tasted it and found it heavenly- with the flavors of cherry tart, custard, roast chicken, white lotus mooncakes and candy. It tasted like heaven and she soon drank it all.

'How odd!' she exclaimed. 'I appear to be closing up like a telescope!' That was exactly what had happened. She was now only ten inches high- the perfect height to get into that garden. But first, she decided to wait and see if she shrunk any more, if she suddenly went out like the flame on a candle. Just in case.

After waiting for a while, finding out that nothing else had happened, she decided to go into the garden. But poor Jean! The door was locked and its key was lying on the glass table, way out of reach. Jean tried to climb up the leg of the table, but it was too slippery and she only exhausted herself by trying.

Distraught, she sat down and cried. 'Stop crying! It's of no use to you. You wicked, wicked girl... This is definitely retribution for all those times you were unkind to the dog around the corner!' She generally gave herself excellent advice but she rarely followed it. Sometimes she even scolded herself so severely that she brought tears to her eyes.

* * *

'Jean... Are you feeling alright?' asked Rogue cautiously. Jean rolled her eyes.

**She really is insane in this one isn't she?**

* * *

The curious girl liked to pretend to be two people- herself and another little girl she named Phoenix. She even occasionally played croquet against herself. 'But now there's hardly enough of me left to make one complete person,' Jean sighed.

As she dried her tears, she spied a little box under the table. She opened it and found a small cake on which the words 'EAT ME' were beautifully marked with currants. It looked mouthwatering, and the rumble of her stomach suddenly reminded her that she hadn't eaten for a while.

Jean decided to eat it. Her logic: if she grew larger, she could reach the key. If she grew smaller, she could creep under the door. Either way, she'd get into the garden. So she set to work and ate every morsel of the cake- poison or not, it was worth a shot.

She just hoped she wouldn't regret it.


	2. Chapter 2- The Pool Of Tears

**Chapter 2- The Pool of Tears**

'Life is getting curiouser and curiouser,' said Jean, who was so surprised that she quite forgot how to say proper English. 'Why, I'm opening out like the largest telescope in the world!' Indeed she was. Looking down at her feet, she was astonished to discover that they were so far away. 'Goodbye, feet!' she called. 'Oh, my poor dearies, I wonder who shall put on your shoes and stockings for you now. I certainly shan't be able to manage it- I'm so sorry! Shall I gift you a pair of pretty silver shoes to make up for it?' And she went on rambling about her feet.

'I wonder what would the address on the package be,' she murmured to herself. 'Maybe it would read:

_To Jean's Right Foot_

_Next To the Glass Table_

_Currently Expanding At An Alarming Rate'_

'What nonsense I'm talking!' she cried just as her head hit the roof of the hall. She was now over nine feet tall, lost, and very confused.

At once, she grabbed the little golden key and hurried to the door- but it was locked, as she'd shut it earlier for some unfathomable reason. Her chances of getting into the garden were now more hopeless than ever. It was all she could do, staring into the beautiful view with one eye and hoping against hope for some kind of miracle to happen.

She was so distraught, she buried her face in her hands and wept.

After a while, Jean heard the pitter-patter of feet in the distance. It belonged to the White Rabbit, who was hurrying down the hall, holding a pair of white kid globes and a fan. 'Oh, the Duchess, the Duchess! She'll be so angry if I keep her waiting. And I've seen the violence she's' capable of...'

Jean was so desperate that she was ready to ask almost _anyone_ for help. So, as the Rabbit came closer, she timidly began, 'If you please, sir-' To her surprise, the Rabbit twitched violently, dropped his gloves and fan and scurried away as quickly as his legs could carry him.

* * *

'I can't believe Scott's running away from Jean,' remarked Bobby, not even bothering to wipe his grin off his face.

'I'm in charge of your next Danger Room session,' warned Scott. Bobby just shrugged.

* * *

Jean, suddenly finding the hall very hot, picked up the fan and gloves and madly fanned herself. 'Everything today is just so weird... I wonder if I could have been switched for someone else during the night...?' She began to think about the other girls she knew that were the same age as her, to see if she could have been exchanged for any of them.

'I'm sure I'm not Risty, because her hair is violet and mine is red. I know I'm not Tabitha, because I know much more than her.'

As Jean spoke, the wheels in her mind continued turning. 'I'll try to remember if I still know the things I used to know. Let's see: four times seven is- oh dear! It appears to have slipped my mind. Let's try geography. London is the capital of Paris, and Paris is the capital of Rome- oh no, I must have been changed for Tabby.'

Her eyes welled up with tears (again). 'I shall have to live in that funny little house she calls 'the 'Hood Hotel' without any company except for those infuriating boys. And so many lessons I'll have to learn, too! Oh dear,' she said, and burst into tears again. 'I do wish somebody would show up here. I'm so very tired of being alone!' As she spoke, she was surprised to see that she had somehow put on one of the Rabbit's white kid gloves by accident. She realised that she must have been shrinking again.

Indeed, when she went to the table to measure herself, she was now only two feet high and was shrinking rapidly. The fan appeared to be the cause of this, and she hastily let go of it in time to stop herself from shrinking away altogether.

Frightened as she was, though, she was very glad to find herself still in existence and dashed to the garden. However, the door was still shut and the little key was still lying on the table. She didn't think her day could possibly get worse- but it did. Her foot slipped and she fell into salt water with a loud splash. She was now up to her chin in it.

At first, she thought that she'd fallen into the sea, but she realised that she was in the pool of tears which she had made when she was nine feet tall.

_I'm being punished by being drowned in my own tears. Can things possibly get worse? _

Just then she heard something else splashing in the pool not far away. At first, she thought it was a walrus or a hippopotamus, but then she remembered how small she was and decided that the creature must be a mouse.

Having nothing else to do, and thinking that it would do her no harm to do so, she began talking to the mouse. 'Oh, Mouse. Do you know the way out of here? I am so very tired of swimming around in this pool. Oh, Mouse!'

Amara the Mouse gave the shrieking girl a queer look.

Jean assumed that the Mouse didn't speak English. She (or it?) might have been a French mouse that came over along with William the Conqueror, for all Jean knew.

What she didn't take into account was the fact that Will had came over about centuries ago... But then again, being dropped into a pool of your own tears did tend to befuddle the mind.

So the little girl spoke the only line of French that she knew. It happened to be: 'Ou est ma chatte?' which Jean very well knew meant 'Where is my cat?'

Amara squeaked and quivered in fright. 'Oh, I beg your pardon! I forgot that mice don't like cats,' gasped Jean.

'Not like cats! Would you like cats if you were me?' cried Amara indignantly.

'Well, maybe not,' admitted Jean ruefully. 'But don't be so angry about it. I do wish you could meet my cat, Wolvie. He is such a dear thing! He sits purring by the fire, and he's just MARVELLOUS at hunting mice- oh! I'm so sorry!' she gasped as Amara bristled.

* * *

'I. Do not. Purr.'

* * *

'Such nasty, low things cats are!' exclaimed Amara. 'Don't let me hear the name again.'

'Alright then, Mouse dear,' replied Jean, most anxious to change the subject. 'How about dogs? Do you like dogs?' When Amara didn't answer her, Jean took it as her cue to continue talking.

'There is such a nice little terrier near my house. He fetches things when you throw them, sits and begs for his dinner and all sorts of things. He belongs to a farmer who kills all his mice and rats and- oh, don't go!'

You see, she'd offended Amara again. Amara was swimming away from Jean as fast as she could! So Jean called after her, 'Mouse, dear, do come back. We won't talk about cats or dogs if you don't like them.'

Amara slowly turned around and swam back to Jean. 'Let us swim to the shore,' she said in a trembling voice. 'And I'll tell you the story of my life. Then you'll understand why I hate cats and dogs. OH, HOW I ABHOR THEM, THE MANGY, FLEA-RIDDEN BEASTS!' she screamed suddenly, making Jean jump.

It was high time to go. The pool was getting crowded with various birds and animals. Jean looked around her. It was amazing to think that she'd once been large enough to cry a puddle of tears now big enough for all these creatures to swim in.

There was a brilliantly colored parrot known as Lance the Lory. There was also Bobby the Eaglet, Ororo the Magpie and Kurt the Canary. Together with Amara and Jean, the whole party struck out for land.

* * *

'Nightcrawler, the amazing teleporting canary... Mein Gott, that actually has quite a ring to it!' Kurt said excitedly.

'I think I still prefer Wild Blue Yonder Boy,' snickered Bobby.

**If it's all the same to you, Popsicle- you're a bald, flightless baby eagle who's still toothing...**

'Damn.'


	3. Chapter 3- A Caucus Race and A Long Tale

**Chapter 3- A Caucus Race and a Long Tale**

The creatures that assembled on the bank were an odd-looking party- the bedraggled birds, the wet animals, all looking drenched and uncomfortable. And, of course, they were all chattering to each other at once. The amount of noise coming from the group was remarkable.

The obvious question was how they were going to get dry again. They had a short discussion about it, but unfortunately, everybody kept arguing with each other, so nothing of importance had actually been accomplished.

Jean felt strangely at ease with them, as though she'd known them all her life. Even though she got into quite an argument with Lance, who declared, 'I'm older than you and must be more knowledgeable.' Since he refused to tell her his age, she thought it would be best to just drop the subject.

Amara, who seemed to be a person of some authority among the group, called out, 'All of you, sit down and listen to me. I'll make you dry soon enough.' Upon hearing this, they obediently sat down in a large circle around her. Jean kept her eyes on Amara all the time. She wanted to get dry as soon as possible because she was sure she would catch a bad cold soon.

'Ahem,' said Amara. 'Are you all ready? This is the driest thing I know.' And without waiting for anyone to respond, she launched into a lengthy story about English history.

'A long time ago, in a land far far away, lived a beautiful princess named Alara. Her beauty was said to stun anyone who looked at her. And she was smart She was perfect, too. And, oh, did I mention she was beautiful? And she absolutely hated cats and dogs...'

* * *

'Sounds strangely familiar,' said Jean with a straight face.'

* * *

It nearly put everyone to sleep.

'Ugh,' muttered Taryn the Dodo, shaking herself. Droplets of water flew all over the unfortunate Jean.

'I beg your pardon, but did you say something?' asked Amara, trying to be polite but frowning.

'I'm sorry, but I'm still soaking wet,' the bored Dodo explained. 'I think the best way to get dry is to have a caucus race.'

'What in the world is a caucus?' inquired Jean, when nobody said anything.

'Oh, it's-it's-a meeting.' said Taryn, strutting around and flapping her wings, trying to look important. 'A meeting of people in a party. You know, like a political party. Someone explained all of this to me once, but I can't remember who.'

'I see,' said Jean. 'Well, there's certainly enough of us here to hold a caucus. But, may I ask, what is a caucus race?'

'I think the best way to explain is just to do it,' said Taryn rather snappily. With a great flourish, she broke off a branch from a lilac bush and used it to mark out a circular race course. Once she had finished, she placed everyone along the course at various spots, here and there.

No one ever called out, 'One, two, three, go!' but all the creatures began running and stopping whenever they felt like it.

Lance got into an argument with another beast and they paused to yell at each other. This caused quite a bottleneck in the group as neither deigned to give way. Eventually, the creatures just ran about all over the place, racetrack or not.

When everyone had been running for about an hour or so and were quite dry again, Taryn suddenly called out, 'The race is over!'

'But who has won?' the exhausted birds and animals cried, crowding around her.

'Everybody has won and everyone should get a prize,' she finally answered after a great deal of thought. 'And Jean is to present the prizes.'

The whole party mobbed poor Jean, calling out, 'Prizes! Prizes!'

Having not much choice (most of them were glaring at her threateningly), she reached into her pocket and pulled out some cookies which she passed around. Fortunately, there was exactly one prize for each runner- except Jean herself. There was only a thimble left in her pocket. She took it out and gazed at it in a dismal way, cursing her luck. No one passed up her Aunt Mattie's world-famous chocolate cookies.

* * *

'Woohoo!' cheered Remy. 'Mon tante makes the best cookies ever, hands down!'

* * *

Ororo noticed this and took the thimble from Jean before holding it out to her. 'We humbly beg your acceptance of this elegant thimble, Miss Jean. Please do accept it with our good graces.'

When she finished, the whole party clapped and cheered. Jean thought the whole thing was quite absurd, but out of politeness, she said nothing and merely took her present. Which had been hers anyway so there wasn't much difference...

* * *

'That was very... unusual,' said Ororo.

* * *

She simply bowed and took the thimble, looking as serious as she possibly could.

Even though she really wanted to laugh at the outlandish proceedings.

The next matter of business was for everyone to eat their cookies. But for a while, everything was chaotic. Bobby choked on his and Warren the Dove had to heavily pat his back, causing even more pain to Bobby.

Lance complained that he couldn't taste his biscuit and stole Kurt's, who growled and pecked Lance. This led to an all-out war between the two.

Jean just watched it all with a sort of mild clinical interest.

While Jean daydreamed (she did that a lot), the confusion slowly dwindled down. When Jean finally blinked and ended whatever she'd been fantasizing about, they all sat down in a circle again. Remembering her encounter with Amara in the pool earlier, Jean whispered to her, 'You promised to tell me why you hate dogs and cats.'

Amara sighed. 'Mine is a long and sad tale.'

'It is a long tail. I can see that,' a confused Jean replied, observing Amara's tail. 'But why do you call it sad?'

As Amara began to talk, Jean was still puzzled and so her idea of Amara's story went something like this:

_Fury said to a mouse, that he met in the house,_

_'Let us go to law; I will prosecute you._

_Come, I'll take no denial, we must have the trial,_

_For really this morning I've nothing to do.'_

_Said the Mouse to the cur **(1)**, 'Such a trial, dear sir,_

_With no jury or judge, would be wasting our breath.'_

_'I'll be the judge; I'll be the jury,'_

_Said the cunning old Fury._

_'I'll try the whole cause and condemn you to death.'_

* * *

'OI!' yelled Amara. The sound of her voice abruptly ended Jean's daydreaming and pushed her back into reality. 'You weren't listening to me talk about Nick Fury!' cried Amara. Jean tried in vain to pacify her.

'You say you listened to me- fine. Tell me what I was talking about and I'll believe you,' Amara said stubbornly.

Jean tried to recall, she really did, but upon hearing her version of the story, Amara became angry again. Her temper boiled up just like magma. She growled and stomped away, ignoring Jean's desperate cry of 'I didn't mean it! But you're so easily offended!'

* * *

**You know, this strangely feels a lot like a breakup scene. In fact, I can clearly visualize Remy saying that to Rogue while she storms away.**

Rogue cried, 'I'm not THAT touchy!' at the same time as Remy protested, 'Non, I would chase after mon chère and pin her down until she accepts my apology!'

**You two are so made for each other. OUCH! Rogue, that hurt! Go after Remy instead! He's got this _huge_ smitten grin on his face right now.**

* * *

'Please come back and finish your story,' Jean called after Amara. The other creatures immediately joined in with a chorus of 'Please do.' with some crazy ones adding, 'or we'll be forced to use violence against you'.

But Amara was well out of sight by that time.

Jean sighed. 'I wish I had my Wolvie here. He'd soon bring the Mouse back.'

'And who is Wolvie?' asked Lance.

'Wolvie's my cat. He's so great at catching mice! And, oh, you should see him chase the birds. He'd just as soon eat a bird as look at it. Ain't that sweet?'

Understandably, this speech caused quite a stir in the assembled party. Some of the birds flapped their wings and left at once, without a glance back.

'I, err, really must go now,' stammered Bobby. 'I have to... have to... Buy... um...'

Ororo called to her nephew in a trembling voice, 'Come, Evan, it's high time you were in bed. Come along now! We must leave!'

Giving all sorts of excuses, everybody departed, leaving Jean all alone. 'I almost wish I hadn't mentioned Wolvie,' she sighed.

'And yet, I really do miss him. If only there were some way to get out of this world...'

Here, Jean sat down on a tree stump and began to ponder means of escape. In a short while though, she heard the fall of footsteps in the distance and looked up hopefully, thinking that Amara had changed her mind and was coming back.

* * *

**(1) cur means something like ferocious dog, so Amara was actually insulting ol' Nick Fury. Good girl! **

**(2) this is adapted from an actual Wolverine quote- it goes something like 'I'm the best at what I do, and it ain't pretty' correct me if I'm wrong.**


	4. Scott Sends In Little Bill (well, Jamie)

**Chapter 4- The Rabbit sends in a Little Bill**

**The title of this story was supposed to be**** _The Rabbit sends in a Little Bill (Jamie, in this case)_ but there's a character limit for chapter titles so I had to chop down on mine... T.T**

* * *

It wasn't Amara. It was the White Rabbit, trotting around and anxiously looking about him, as though he was searching for something. 'Oh, the Duchess, the Duchess! Oh, my dear visor! She's going to MURDER me! Chop me apart! Use me in stew! Oh, where could I have dropped those gloves?'

Jean guessed that he was talking about the white kid gloves and the fan. Remembering that she was the one who'd lost them, she felt guilty and joined in with the search but found nothing. Everything seemed to have changed- the hall, the table and the glass door had vanished completely.

Very soon, Scott noticed Jean and asked, 'Why Mary Ann, what are you doing here? Run home and fetch me a pair of white gloves and a fan. Quick now! Hurry! If you don't want to see me as rabbit soup...' Here he trailed off and shuddered.

* * *

'Jean! no! Don't hurry!' chanted everybody except Scott.

* * *

'He has mistaken me for his housekeeper!' deduced a surprised Jean, who dashed off in the direction Scott had indicated.

* * *

'Maybe we could make Jean dress up in a French Maid costume,' grinned Remy wickedly.

Scott growled. 'You do NOT get to eye MY girlfriend, Gambit. Try that trick on Rogue instead.'

'Already did, mon ami,' Remy's grin widened. Rogue had a smirk on her face.

Scott winced. 'Too much information,' he whimpered at the psychologically scarring mental images.

* * *

Jean stumbled upon a neat little house. On the door was a brass plate engraved 'W. Rabbit'. Without knocking, she hurried inside to find the items that Scott had requested, before the real Mary Ann caught her and drove her out of the house.

'How odd to be running errands for a rabbit,' Jean remarked, before rolling her eyes and adding, 'I suppose Wolvie will be ordering me about next.'

By this time she'd found the fan and gloves lying on a table. Just as she was about to leave with them, she spotted a bottle near the looking-glass. There was no 'DRINK ME' label this time but she uncorked it and took a sip anyway. 'I know something interesting will happen, because that always seems to be the case when I eat or drink something,' she reasoned. 'I hope I'll grow large again. I'm so sick of being such a tiny little thing.'

She began to grow much sooner than she'd expected. Before she'd drunk half the bottle, her head pressed against the ceiling and she was forced to stoop down. Hastily, she put the bottle down and dearly regretted having drunk so much. She couldn't get out of the door- she was trapped in a house too small for her, while she kept on growing rapidly and far too quickly for her own good.

Jean kept on growing until she had to kneel. A minute later and she had to lie down with one elbow pressed against the door and the other curled around her head. But still, she didn't stop growing! As a last resort, she was forced to stick one arm out of the window and one foot up the sooty chimney. Thankfully, the little bottle had had its full effect, and she grew no more.

'It was much pleasanter at home! At least I wasn't always growing larger and smaller and being ordered about by mice and rabbits-' her rant was cut off by the sound of Scott bellowing at the house, 'Mary Ann! MARY ANN! Fetch me my gloves and fan this instant!' As an afterthought, he added, 'Please!' and mumbled something about roasted rabbit.

'Well, he did say please,' thought Jean, trying to toss the two objects out of the window so that Scott could catch them. But she couldn't even twist to reach them. It was much too cramped in that tiny room.

She considered calling out to Scott but her voice had most likely increased with her size. The most she'd do was to scare him away.

Her silence was met with more awkward silence. What was Scott doing?

Eventually, Jean heard the rumbling of a wagon and the sound of many people talking at the same time.

Occasionally, she'd make out a sentence or two from the ruckus.

_Where's the ladder-?_

_Jamie's got the other- _

_Catch hold of that rope-_

_Will the roof hold up-?_

_Watch that loose slate-!_

_Oh, it's coming down-_

_Here, Jamie, you've got to go down the chimney!_

'Oh no you don't!' cried Jean, putting her foot as far up the chimney as she could. She waited until she heard the sound of an animal scrambling in the space above, then she gave one sharp kick and waited to see what would happen next.

* * *

'That's my girl,' Scott said proudly. **  
**

* * *

'There goes Jamie!' someone hollered. Silence reigned for a moment, then Jean heard multiple feeble voices say, 'All I know is that something came at me like a Jack-in-the-box, and I went flying sky high!'

'We must burn the house down! TO ITS FOUNDATIONS! NEVER STOP UNTIL IT'S ALL ASHES!' cried a female voice.

* * *

'Is that a female version of Pyro?' Jean panicked and she shouted the first thing that came to her mind. 'If you do, I'll send Wolvie after yo

Dead silence again. Jean wondered what they would do next. Hopefully they'd take the roof off.

The next moment, a shower of pebbles rattled against the window. Some even hit Jean's face. She was incensed and was about to hit something when she noticed that the pebbles were turning into little cream cakes.

She decided to try and eat one. If she became smaller, she could escape out the door. If she grew bigger, she could destroy the house from the inside- as guilty as she would undoubtedly feel afterwards, she was trapped and she wanted to get out. Sorry, Scott.

So she swallowed some cakes and waited. She shrunk almost at once, and she ran out of the house, straight into the crowd of animals waiting outside. They all made a dash for Jean as soon as they spotted her, but she was too quick for them and she ran away, seeking refuge in a nearby wood.

As Jean wandered around the forest, she told herself, 'Firstly, I've got to grow back to my right size. Next, I have to find my way into that lovely garden. I think that should be my plan of action.'

It was an excellent plan, but she had absolutely no idea how to carry it out. While she was racking her brains for a solution, a sudden bark made her look up.

An enormous puppy was looking down at her, feebly stretching out one paw and trying to touch her. Jean was really afraid that he might be hungry... And what better to eat than the nice juicy little girl in front of him?

Hardly knowing what she was doing, she grabbed a stick and waved it around in front of his face.

'Here, good boy, go for the stick... I'm not a steak, okay? Okay?! DON'T COME AFTER ME!'

He happily yelped and rushed at the new plaything. Jean dodged behind a giant thistle to avoid being run over by him. The moment she reappeared, the puppy made another dash at the stick, tumbling head over heels in his wild attempts to catch hold of it.

The puppy began a series of short charges at the stick, running back and forth while panting. At last, the exhausted puppy sat down with his tongue hanging out of his mouth. His large eyes were half shut and he appeared exhausted.

Jean escaped at once. She ran until she was out of breath and then kept running. The puppy's loud bark was only a faint echo in the distance.

She leaned against a buttercup to rest. 'Gosh, I've still got to get back to my right size. I should start by eating or drinking something, but the great question is: what?' Glancing around her at the flowers and the grass, she did not see anything that looked remotely edible. Finally, she spotted a large mushroom just about her height. She ran up to it and looked under and on both sides of it, finding nothing that might help her in her plans.

It occurred to her that she might as well look on the top of it, so she did.

Immediately, her eyes met with that of a large blue caterpillar sitting on top of the mushroom. His arms were folded and he was smoking a long hookah- better known as a water pipe.

Alex the Caterpillar was not taking the slightest notion of her or anything else.

* * *

Scott looked curiously at the man who'd suddenly joined the cast. Alex Summers grinned and waved at him. 'Hey, bro! You look a lot better than the comicverse Scott. Well, I suppose that's because Madelyene and Emma ain't here. Those two bloody she- devils.'

**Emma **_**is**_** here. And how did you get into the comicverse? **

'Oh, is she?' Alex asked, peering anxiously around the room and ignoring the authoress' more important question**- that is, until the impatient authoress dumped a vat of cheese on him.**

'Cheese? Aw man! You ruined my shirt! I was looking through your comics, okay?'

**Details, details...**


	5. Chapter 5- Advice from a Caterpillar

**Chapter 5- Advice from a Caterpillar **

**I would like to clarify that this parody is based on the book, not the movie. Well, yeah I loved the movie too (graphics are AWESOME!) but in the case of many book-to-movie adaptations, I still prefer the book. *coughPercyJacksoncough***

* * *

For quite some time, Jean and Alex looked at each other in silence. At last, Alex took the hookah out of his mouth and addressed Jean in a sleepy voice, 'Who are you?'

'I don't know,' Jean answered honestly. 'I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I have changed several times since then.'

'What do you mean by that?' asked Alex rather sternly. 'Explain yourself.'

'I can't,' Jean replied helplessly. 'Because I'm not myself, you see.'

'I don't see,' said Alex.

'I'm afraid I can't put it more clearly because I myself don't understand it. It's very confusing to be so many different sizes in one day.'

'No, it isn't.'

'Well, perhaps you haven't discovered this for yourself yet,' said Jean. 'But when you reach your next stage of life and you turn into a beautiful butterfly, I think you should find it rather odd. Don't you think so?'

'Not at all,' Alex drawled.

* * *

'He appears to enjoy speaking only three words to me,' said Jean dryly.

Right on cue, Alex intoned, 'Yeah, that's right.'

'Is this going to be a permanent fixture?'

'Of course, Jean.'

* * *

'Well, perhaps your feelings are different from mine,' retorted Jean, who was beginning to feel vexed by the meaningless conversation. 'But it certainly would feel strange to me.'

'You!' cried Alex angrily. Jean braced herself for a slew of furious tirades, but instead...

'Who are you?'

* * *

'Now that sure is anti-climatic,' said Jean.

* * *

Now they were back at the beginning of their conversation. Jean was more than a little irritated by Alex's sharp remarks. 'I think you ought to tell me who you are first.'

'Why?'

_Another ridiculous question, _Jean thought. Since Alex seemed to be in a bad mood, she decided to leave. Just as she was turning away, Alex called out, 'Wait! I have something important to say to you.' This certainly sounded promising, so Jean went back.

For a while, Alex continued to puff away. Then, after a minute or so, he took the hookah out of his mouth and inquired, 'So you think you've changed, don't you?'

Jean replied, 'I have.'

'What size do you want to be?'

'Oh, I'm not particular as to size. I'm just tired of changing so often, you know,' Jean added hastily.

'I don't know,' remarked Alex.

* * *

'I'm such an idiot in this story. Jean should just mash the Caterpillar to a pulp if he irritates her, 'said Alex.

Jean raised an eyebrow at him and started advancing towards him...

'The Caterpillar! Not me! The Caterpillar!' he cried hastily.

**You guys aren't allowed to take liberties with _my _story. And before you ask me why- because if I let you, chaos would erupt and the whole planet would stop revolving. Also, genetically transformed bananas would try to take over the galaxy.**

'Aren't you being kind of melodramatic there?' wondered Kitty skeptically. 'And what's with the bananas?'

**It makes sense- Scott and Logan would have a go at each other, Jean would use her telekinesis to escape from Wonderland (via levitation out of the hole), the flock of birds aka the X-Boys would unleash hell upon everyone- s****ee what I mean?**

**And I dislike bananas. That's all.**

**...**

**Okay, so I might be a little crazier than usual today.**

'A little?' snorted Remy.

* * *

Jean said nothing. She had never been contradicted so much before in her life, and she was close to losing her temper.

'Are you content now?' asked Alex.

Jean thought about it for a while. 'I would like to be a little larger. Three inches is a wretched height to be.'

'It is a very good height indeed!' retorted Alex angrily, drawing himself up to his full height. You see, he was exactly three inches tall himself.

'But I'm not used to it,' pleaded Jean.

'You'll get used to it in time,' said Alex lazily. With that, he put the hookah back in his mouth and subsided into silence once more. Jean waited patiently until he decided to speak again. In a minute or two, Alex took the hookah out of his mouth and slithered away into the nearby grass, saying, 'One side of it will make you grow taller, and the other side of it will make you smaller.'

_One side of what? The other side of what? _Jean wondered. Promptly, Alex said, 'Of the mushroom,' as if Jean had asked her questions out loud. She was about to call after Alex when he disappeared into the shrubbery completely.

Deciding to heed the advice, Jean broke off a bit of the mushrooms' two sides with each hand. 'And now which is which?' she murmured. She nibbled a bit of the right-hand side to see the effect. Instantly, her chin struck her feet in a violent blow. She could barely open her mouth, but she tried hard and eventually managed to swallow a bit of the left-hand side morsel. 'My head's free at last,' she exclaimed in a tone of delight which changed to one of alarm when she realised that her shoulders were nowhere to be seen. All she could see was an immense amount of neck that rose out of a sea of green leaves that lay far below her.

'What can all that green stuff be?' wondered Jean. 'Why can't I see my hands?' As there seemed to be no way of getting her hands up to her head, she tried to get her head down to her hands. Jean was much delighted to find that her neck would bend easily in any direction, like a serpent. She succeeded in curving it into a graceful zigzag and was about to dive in among the green stuff when she realized that they were the tops of trees.

Just as she was contemplating the oddity of her life, a loud hiss made her draw back hurriedly. A large pigeon had flown up into her face and was beating her with its wings. 'Serpent!' screamed Wanda the Pigeon.

* * *

'Hey!' objected Wanda. 'Why couldn't I have been the Queen of Hearts? At least I would've been able to behead anyone I wanted to!'

**Like Toad? He's sneaking up behind you right now, by the way.**

'Thanks,' she replied, sending a hex bolt over her shoulder without even turning her head,

**Nice aim. I think you should salvage those chocolates he's holding, they don't look dangerous. **

'You're trying to throw me off the topic.'

**I…ahem…err… LOOK! PIRATES! **

* * *

'Leave me alone, I'm not a serpent,' said Jean irritably.

'I've tried gardens, I've tried hedges, I've even tried riverbanks, and yet those serpents still continue to hunt my eggs! Oh, how I detest them!' Wanda steamrolled right over Jean. 'I've been on the lookout for them all week and I've barely gotten a wink of sleep.'

'I'm very sorry to hear that,' said Jean, who was beginning to sympathize with the distressed bird.

'Just as I'd hexed all the other birds and-

* * *

'What about Toad? Did I get to hex Toad?'

**Uh… he's not a bird… and you only hexed birds.**

'Oh, really?' Wanda asked in her most dangerous voice.

**Never mind.**

* * *

'warped reality to send Toad to Mars, and I thought I was finally free of serpents- one comes wriggling down from the sky!'

'But I'm not a serpent. I'm a little girl!' exclaimed Jean rather doubtfully, remembering the number of changes she'd gone through that day.

'A likely story indeed. I've seen many little girls before in my life, but never one with such a long neck. No doubt about it, you're a serpent. Next, I suppose you'll be telling me you've never tasted eggs before.'

'Certainly, I have,' replied Jean truthfully. 'Little girls eat eggs just as often as serpents do, you know.'

'If they do, then they must be a type of serpent,' said Wanda stubbornly. This was such a new idea to Jean that she was silent for a minute or two. This pause gave Wanda the opportunity to add, 'You're looking for eggs, I'm sure. It doesn't matter to me whether you're a little girl or a serpent.'

'It matters a great deal to me!' cried Jean loudly. 'But I'm not even looking for eggs. If I was, I wouldn't want to eat yours. I don't like them raw.'

'Well, begone with you, then!' said Wanda sulkily, and she once again crouched down in her nest. Jean then maneuvered her neck into the trees as well as she could. It wasn't an easy task, because her neck kept getting tangled among the trees. Every now and then, she had to stop and unravel it. Finally, after much hard work, she was able to get her neck past the tree canopy.

She began to nibble at the pieces of mushroom in her hands, rapidly growing taller and shorter. She'd learnt her lesson and she did not bite off as much mushroom as before. Finally, she managed to bring herself to her usual height. It felt a little odd, at first, but she soon got used to it. In a few minutes, she began to talk to herself, as usual. 'Well, there's half of my plan done. Now, all I have to do is to get into that beautiful garden- but where to begin?' As she spoke, she happened upon an open space with a little house about four feet high. She knew that whoever lived there would be frightened out of their wits if they saw her at her current height. Thus, she nibbled at the right-hand bit of mushroom again and did not venture near the house until she had shrunk to only nine inches in height.

* * *

**Next chapter will bring an unpleasant surprise for my favorite couple.**


	6. Chapter 6- Pig and Pepper

**Chapter 6- Pig and Pepper**

**Anonymous: Well, Wanda does fit that role quite well, but I have a better candidate than her. Once again, thanks for your support!**

**Silver: To devoted Romy fans, that is. I think I let it slip in class today but you didn't notice XP Anyway, you'll find out now!**

**To everyone who reviewed: Thanks so much! Stick with me till chapter 14 :D yes, 14 chapters. 8 to go :)**

**This whole chapter is crackish. You have been warned.**

* * *

For a short while, Jean stared at the front door of the house, wondering what to do next. The next moment, her thoughts were disrupted when an elegantly-dressed footman ran out of the woods. Jean thought he was a footman because of his uniform. Otherwise, judging by his face, she would have said that he was a fish.

Duncan the-

**(X)-(X)-(X)**

'Hey!' whined Duncan. 'Why'm I a fish? I don't want to be a fish!'

**Fishy, fishy, good little fishy.**

'I'm not your pet and you don't have any right to talk to me like that,' retorted Duncan angrily, **but the authoress feigned sudden deafness in order to continue with the story. :P**

**(X)-(X)-(X)**

Duncan the Fish-Footman loudly rapped on the door, which was opened by a similarly-attired footman, who had the round face and large eyes of a frog. He was Blob the Frog-Footman. Jean noticed that both footmen had powdered hair that curled all over their faces. Curious, she stealthily crept out of the woods to continue watching the conversation.

From under his arm, Duncan produced an enormous letter nearly as large as himself. He handed it over to Blob, saying solemnly, 'For the Duchess. An invitation from the Queen to play croquet.'

Blob repeated in the same serious tone, 'From the Queen. An invitation for the Duchess to play croquet.'

Then they both faced each other and bowed. As they did so, their curls got tangled up together and when they tried to separate, they couldn't and ended up wildly pulling at their crazy wigs.

Jean laughed so loudly at this comical sight that she had to run back into the wood, so that the Footmen would not hear her.

**(X)-(X)-(X)**  
'It's a good thing I didn't,' said the Blob angrily.

An upset-looking Duncan wailed, 'Jean! Why did you laugh at me? But I looooooove you!' **(1)**

Jean called upon her telekinesis and flung him into a wall. Upon recovery, he opened his mouth to say something else but was interrupted when Scott blasted the ceiling, causing a large chunk of debris to fall on Duncan and pin him to the ground (breaking a few of his ribs in the process). 'No one hits on _my _girl,' the Fearless Leader growled in a rare display-for him, it was quite uncommon indeed- of alpha male pride.

**Wow. **

**(X)-(X)-(X) **  
When she finally peeked out, Duncan was gone and Blob was sitting on a rock near the door.

Jean walked up to the door and knocked. There was no reply from the house.

'There's no use in knocking,' said Blob. 'Because I'm on the same side as you and they're making so much noise inside that no one could possibly hear you.'

There _was_ an extraordinary amount of noise within- a constant howling and sneezing. Every now and then, Jean would hear a tremendous crash, as if a dish or a kettle had been smashed to pieces. 'How am I to get in?' she asked.

'There might be some sense in your knocking if we had the door between us. For instance, if you were inside, you might knock, and I could let you out.'

'But how do I get in?'

Blob appeared to have not heard her question. 'I shall sit here,' he remarked to himself, 'till tomorrow.'

At that moment, the door flew open and a large plate came flying out, headed straight for Blob. Fortunately, it just grazed his nose and broke into pieces against the tree behind him. The amazing thing was that he appeared to have not noticed any of this.

'Or the next day, maybe,' he continued.

'Oh, there's no use talking to him,' Jean said in disgust. 'He's a complete idiot.'

With that, she opened the door and went inside the house. She found herself standing in a large kitchen which was full of smoke. Sitting on a three-legged stool was Raven the Duchess, cuddling her baby, Graydon Creed.

**(X)-(X)-(X)  
**Mystique yelled, 'What!' at the same time as Rogue did.

**If it's any consolation, Rogue, you're in a much better position than Mystique. Mystique, you indirectly threaten Jean with beheading. Also, your biased son turns into a pig. Yay!**

**(X)-(X)-(X) **  
Belladonna the Cook leaned over the fire, cackling and stirring a foul -smelling pot of soup.

**(X)-(X)-(X)  
**'Merde!' Remy yelled and made for the exit, but it was blocked by a blonde, blue-eyed Assassin.

'Why?' sighed Remy. 'Why does she have to be in _this_ universe too?'

**...You know about the comicverse **_**too**_**? First Alex, now you!**

'I read my biography on Wikipedia and found out that I was once married to Belle. Most of the fanfiction that you read styles her as vicious and brutal, so I just assumed she was.' Belle just gave him a long and hard stare. Remy gulped.

**(X)-(X)-(X)  
**'There is certainly too much pepper in the soup,' Jean declared, sneezing loudly.

There was certainly too much pepper in the air. Even Raven sneezed occasionally. As for Graydon, he was sneezing one minute and howling the next.

The only two creatures who weren't sneezing were Belladonna and a large brown blue-eyed **(2)** cat lying on the hearth. It was, strangely, grinning from ear to ear.

'Why does the cat smile like that?' Jean asked Raven. Her voice was rather timid as she didn't want to irritate the fierce-looking woman.

'She's a Cheshire Cat, and that's why,' answered Raven impatiently. 'Pig!'

Jean felt frightened at Raven's shrill tone of voice. She calmed down somewhat when she realised that the insult was directed to the baby. 'I didn't know Cheshire Cats always grinned. In fact, I didn't know that cats _could_ grin.'

'They all can and most of them do.'

'I don't know any that do,' a surprised Jean replied.

'You don't know much,' said Raven waspishly. 'That's a fact.'

Jean smartly decided it would be best to change the subject.

Belladonna chose that very moment to take the soup cauldron off the fire and began to throw everything in sight at Graydon. 'Watch what you're doing!' shrieked Jean. 'You don't want to hurt the baby!'

'I DO want to hurt the baby!' screeched Belladonna, hurling a large saucepan at Graydon.  
**(X)-(X)-(X)**

'You got that right,' murmured Belladonna, absent-mindedly fingering an ivory-sheathed dagger in her lap.

**Nice blade! It reminds me of the one Faith wanted… You know, that once-insane Slayer from the Buffyverse…**

'Oi!' snapped Rogue. 'You do remember that you're talking to a murderer, right?'

'Better an Assassin than a life leech,' muttered Belladonna venomously, and the catfight begun.

**Sigh…**

**(X)-(X)-(X)  
**'If everybody minded their own business,' said Raven to nobody in particular, 'the world would go around a lot faster than it does.'

'You wouldn't want that to happen,' said Jean, anxious to show off her knowledge. 'The world takes twenty-four hours to turn on its axis. It would not be an advantage to have night and day go any faster.'

'Speaking of axes, CHOP OFF HER HEAD!' bellowed Raven at the top of her lungs. Jean anxiously glanced at Belladonna to see if she took the hint, but she was busy stirring the putrid soup and did not appear to be listening.

All the while, Raven sat holding Graydon, singing a lullaby but shaking him at the end of each verse. The poor child cried so loudly that Jean could hardly hear the words.

The lullaby went this way:

**'Speak roughly to your little boy,**

**And beat him when he sneezes.**

**He only does it to annoy,**

**Because he knows it teases.'**

Not surprisingly, Graydon didn't really like it.

'Here! You can play with the baby, if you want to. I'm off to see the Queen and play croquet,' said Raven suddenly, carelessly flinging Graydon at Jean.

Now, Jean was most anxious to take good care of her young charge, so she rocked it tenderly in her arms.

**(X)-(X)-(X)**  
'What! I'm being touched by a mutie!' Graydon exclaimed in obvious disgust.

'Takes one to know one,' said Warren pointedly.

**(X)-(X)-(X) **  
However, she couldn't help but notice that the baby was a strange one. Its turned-up nose was more like a snout than an actual nose, and its eyes were too small for a normal infant.

When Graydon began to grunt, Jean thought he might be sobbing. The funny thing was, it had no tears in its eyes. Everything about the baby was suspicious. 'If you're going to turn into a pig, I'll have nothing more to do with you,' said Jean very seriously.

The next time Graydon grunted, he did it so loudly that Jean was alarmed. There was no mistaking it now- Graydon had turned into a pig.

**(X)-(X)-(X)  
**'There wouldn't be much difference,' said Rogue darkly.

**(X)-(X)-(X)**  
Jean set it down and it happily trotted into the forest.

'If it had grown up,' Jean mused, 'it would have been a dreadfully ugly child, but I think it's quite a cute pig.'

**(X)-(X)-(X)**  
'In no way do I find Graydon the Pig _cute_!' said Jean haughtily.

'Trust me, the feeling is mutual,' Graydon snarled back.

**(X)-(X)-(X)  
**As Jean walked away, she saw Kitty the Cheshire Cat perched on the bough of a tree.

Kitty's grin widened when she saw Jean. She looked quite good-natured, Jean thought. Still, she had very long claws and many sharp teeth, so Jean decided to treat her respectfully.

'Hey there, Cheshire-Puss,' Jean began rather timidly, not knowing if Kitty would like the name.

**(X)-(X)-(X)**  
'Not really,' said a doubtful-looking Kitty.

**(X)-(X)-(X)**  
However, Kitty only grinned a little more. _She's pleased so far,_ inferred Jean. 'Can you please tell me, which way I should go from here?' she asked.

'That depends on where you like, want to go,' Kitty replied.

'I don't really care whe-' Jean began, but Kitty cut off her words by saying, 'Then it doesn't matter which way you go. You're sure to get somewhere, if only you walk long enough.'

After a moment's thought, Jean inquired, 'What sort of people live around here?'

'In _that_ direction lives a Hatter,' Kitty said, waving her right paw. 'And in _that_ direction,' she waved her other paw, 'lives the March Hare. Visit either one you want to. They're like, totally mad.'

'But I don't want to live among mad people,' Jean protested.

'Oh, you can't help that,' said Kitty cheerfully. 'We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.'

'How do you know I'm mad?'

'You must be, or you wouldn't have come here.' Jean didn't think that made any sense, but she continued, 'How do you know _you're _mad?'

'A dog is not mad. Do you agree?'

'I suppose so,' Jean said doubtfully, not knowing where their conversation wad headed.

'A dog growls when it's angry and wags its tail when it's pleased. Now, I growl when I'm pleased, and I wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore, I must be mad!' Kitty concluded chirpily.

**(X)-(X)-(X)**  
Belladonna snorted. 'You're certainly not right in the head,' she commented. Her smug smirk vanished when Kitty ran over and phased her halfway into the floor. 'Get me out of here!' Belle gasped. 'Remy! Free me or I'll murder you!'

'Can't do that when you're stuck in the floor,' replied Remy shortly.

**(X)-(X)-(X) **  
Jean paused, confused. What Kitty had said made sense, but something was still wrong somehow, though she didn't really know what.

The lapse in the conversation gave Kitty a chance to add, 'Are you going to play croquet with the Queen today?'

'I should like to very much, but I haven't been invited yet.'

'Look for me there,' Kitty said, smiling, and then she vanished right before Jean's eyes- she passed right through the tree branch and phased into the ground.

* * *

**(1) He's so OOC, even _I'm_ embarrassed. Feel free to bash Duncan all you want.**

**(2) In some of the old comics, she had blue eyes, so I decided to just give her blue eyes since the Marvel illustrators can't decide between blue and hazel, apparently. They should have hired tokipocky! **

**I edited the bit about the Cheshire Cat. In the book, he merely vanishes but I wanted that whole part to have a more X-Men-ish feel, so I had Kitty phase out of sight instead of just disappearing. **

**This chapter was written at midnight, so it is slightly more insane than usual.**

**Normally, I don't hate Belladonna _that _much, but for this story, I had a nagging feeling that she would have to be evil…**

**If you see typos, please point them out. I did proofreading but… I'm really bad at it. **


	7. Chapter 7- A Mad Tea Party

**Chapter 7- A Mad Tea Party**

Jean was not too surprised when Kitty disappeared because she was getting used to odd things happening. While she was still absent-mindedly staring at the spot where Kitty had been, her new furry friend suddenly appeared again, rising out of the ground like a ghost.

'By the way, what happened to the baby?' Kitty wanted to know.

'It turned into a pig,' answered Jean in a matter-of-fact tone, as if Kitty's sudden return had been perfectly natural.

'I thought it would,' replied a satisfied Kitty, and she dived into the ground again.

Jean waited for her to reappear, but she didn't, Thus, Jean continued on walking in the direction of the March Hare's house.

_Perhaps he wont be stark raving mad now, since this is May, _Jean reasoned. _At least, not as mad as he was in March. _

'Did you say 'pig' or 'fig'?' came Kitty's voice from an overhead tree branch.

'I said 'pig',' replied Jean, looking up. 'And you're making me dizzy with your sudden disappearing and appearing.'

'Sorry! I shall phase more slowly, then,' Kitty sang, slowly sinking into the forest floor. First, her tail disappeared. Her grin remained behind for a few minutes after the rest of her had gone.

_Well, I've often seen a cat without a grin, _thought Jean. _But a grin without a cat?._

The March Hare's house was just down the road. Jean was sure it was his house because the roof was thatched with fur and the chimneys were shaped like rabbit ears. It was a large house, so Jean did not dare go near it until she had nibbled at the left-hand mushroom and grown to two feet.

A table was set out under a tree in the front yard. Wade Wilson the March Hare and Jason the Hatter were having tea there.

**(X)-(X)-(X)**

A sudden gunshot made everybody jump. Deadpool ran into the room and chucked his katana at Wolverine- who caught it… in his stomach. Deadpool then dragged a bound and terrified Mastermind into the room and tossed the poor fellow to Scott, before going on a rampage and tearing apart the casting room.

**Somehow, I have the feeling that bringing him here wasn't exactly a great idea.**

'Geez!' shouted Rogue, ducking as a table flew towards her. 'What gave it away?!'

**(X)-(X)-(X)**

Between them was Toad the Dormouse, fast asleep on the table.

**(X)-(X)-(X)**

'Wandakins!' squealed Toad, practically skipping into the room. He was about to run forward and hug poor Wanda when a power-packed hex bolt knocked him into a wall. He slumped forward, unconscious.

'A dormouse named Toad?' asked Remy.

**Um... Yeah, you may have noticed something weird there...**

**(X)-(X)-(X)**

His companions were using him as a cushion, resting their elbows on him while they nonchalantly chatted over his head.

_Very uncomfortable for the Dormouse, I suppose. But he's asleep, so he probably doesn't mind it much._

The table was fairly large, but the three creatures were crowded together at one corner. 'No room! No room!' cried Jason and Wade when Jean walked towards them. 'There's plenty of room,' she replied indignantly, and she settled down in a large armchair at the end of the table.

'Have some wine,' said Wade politely. Jean looked around, but there was none. 'I don't see any,' she said.

'There isn't any,' snorted Wade.

'Then it wasn't very nice of you to offer it,' replied Jean.

'It wasn't very nice of you to sit down without being invited,' retorted Wade.

'I didn't know it was your table. Besides, it's set for a lot more than three- don't be selfish.'

Jason suddenly interrupted, 'Why is Raven like a writing desk?' **(1)**

'You mean _a _raven,' corrected Jean.

'No, I'm talking about a person- Raven.'

'Um… I believe I can guess the answer to that.'

'Do you mean that you can find out the answer to it?' asked Wade.

'Exactly.'

'Then you should say what you mean,' replied Wade, devouring another chimichanga in record time.

'I do!' added Jean hastily. 'Well, at least, I mean what I say. It's the same thing as saying what I mean.'

'No, it isn't!' cried Jason reproachfully. 'Then you might as well say that 'I see what I eat' means the same thing as 'I eat what I see'.'

'You might as well say,' grunted Toad, (who seemed to be talking in his sleep), 'that 'I breathe when I sleep' is the same thing as 'I sleep when I breathe'.'

'It is the same thing for you,' chuckled Jason. He and Wade laughed hysterically, so hard that tears started to pour down their face. Wade had to dunk Jason's face in a bowl before he stopped giggling.

Here, there was a lull in the conversation, during which Jean tried to remember everything she could about ravens (because she didn't know anybody named Raven) and writing desks, which wasn't much.

Jason was the first to break the silence. 'What day of the month is it?' he asked Jean, anxiously looking at his watch. He shook it a few times and held it to his ear, a frown showing on his face.

'The fourth,' Jean replied.

'Ah!' sighed Jason dramatically. 'I'm off by two days. I told you butter would damage the works of my watch,' he added angrily, glaring at Wade. Unfazed, he just shrugged and remarked, 'It was the best butter.'

'Yes, but some crumbs must have gotten in as well.'

'It was the best butter,' repeated Wade. He took the watch and dipped it into his beer before slathering the device with peanut butter and jam.

'What an odd watch,' remarked Jean, looking at it over Wade's shoulder. 'It tells the day of the month but not the time.'

'Why should it?' asked Jason. 'Does your watch tell you what year it is?'

'Of course not,' Jean replied immediately, 'because it stays the same year for such a long time.'

'Which is just the case with mine,' said Jason, leaving Jean _very _confused. His remark had certainly been English, but it hadn't made any sense at all. 'I don't understand you,' she said, as politely as she could.

'Toad is asleep again,' said Wade, ignoring Jean. He poured hot tea onto Toad's nose.  
**(X)-(X)-(X)**  
Everyone looks over at Deadpool, who is really pouring steaming tea (don't ask me where it came from, because I don't know either and I don't want to know) onto the unconscious Toad.

**(X)-(X)-(X)**  
Toad shook his head and opened his eyes. 'Of course, you absolute moron. I was about to say that myself.'

Wade appeared to have not heard the 'moron' comment (or he just chose to ignore it).

'Have you guessed the answer to the riddle yet?' Jason asked Jean.

'No, I give up. What's the answer?'

'I haven't the foggiest idea,' replied Jason and Wade cheerfully, at the same time.

Jean sighed, exasperated. 'I think you should do something better with your time, rather than waste it by making up riddles that have no answers.'

'If you knew Time as well as I do,' said Jason wisely (although Jean was too confused to appreciate the wisdom), 'you wouldn't talk about wasting _it. _It's _him_, you know.'

'I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about,' said Jean, suspiciously eyeing the toast on her plate and wondering if it would be safe to eat. Then, she noticed something orange pooling underneath it and hastily banished that idea.

'Of course not,' snorted Wade derisively. 'I'm sure you've never even spoken to Time.'

'Perhaps not, but I have to beat time when I learn music.'

Jean was startled when Wade banged a hand onto the table and dramatically pointed at Jean with his fork.

**(X)-(X)-(X)**  
**Now, I have no idea how you make the act of pointing at someone with a fork dramatic, but he certainly accomplished it. **

**(X)-(X)-(X)**  
'That is why!' he shouted excitedly. 'Time cannot take a beating. If you kept on good terms with him, he'd do anything you liked to the clock. Suppose it was nine o' clock in the morning, and you are about to prepare your school bag and go to school. If you asked Time nicely, he'd make the clock move in a twinkling. Soon it would be half-past one, just the time for lunch.'

'That wouldn't be so bad,' said Jean thoughtfully, 'but I wouldn't be hungry.'

Jason shrugged, slathering jam onto a coffee cup.

'Maybe not at first, but you could keep the time at half-past one for as long as you like.'

'Is that the way you live?' asked Jean curiously.

Jason shook his head sadly. 'No. I quarreled with Time last March, just before he went mad,' he pointed his buttered bagel at Wade.

**(X)-(X)-(X)**  
**I just realised this coincidence: my birthday falls in March... And Wade is the **_**March **_**Hare. Uh-oh. **

**(X)-(X)-(X)**  
'It was at a concert held by the Queen of Hearts, and I had to sing:

**Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!**

**How I wonder what you're at!**

**Up above the world you fly!**

**Like a tea-tray in the sky!**

**Twinkle, twinkle!'**

**(X)-(X)-(X)**  
'I don't remember there being so many exclamation marks,' commented Kitty.

**Nope. I added them for that extra crazy effect. Twinkle, twinkle, twinkle…**

**(X)-(X)-(X)**  
At this moment, Toad began singing in his sleep. 'Twinkle, twinkle, twinkle...' He went on for so long that Jason and Wade had to pinch him before he shut up.

'I'd hardly finished the first verse,' continued Jason indignantly, 'when the Queen yelled, 'He's murdering Time. Off with his head!' Ever since then, Time won't do anything I ask of him. It's always six o' clock now.' Jason sighed sadly and resumed stirring salt into his coffee.

During this entire wacko conversation, Jean had been doing some thinking. Now, all of a sudden, a bright idea came into her head. 'Listen up, everyone,' she called along the table, tapping her spoon against the china pot in front of her. The others stopped what they were doing and looked at her in surprise.

Jean took a deep breath and began to speak.

* * *

**I love cliffhangers. Whether I'm reading _or _writing them. :)**

**(1) Correct answer: 'Because Mystique can shapeshift.' Credit Chellerbelle for that witty answer. **


	8. Chapter 8- A Departure and An Arrival

**Chapter 8- A Departure and An Arrival**

**Updates will slow down slightly- busy with other stuff. Sorry! But in the meantime, why not check out my other stories? :) (Shameless self-promotion ehehe)**

* * *

Jean looked at the three creatures

'There are so many tea things on the table,' she began. 'Is the reason because it's always tea-time here?'

'Yes,' replied Jason with a sigh. 'It's always tea-time and we simply never have the time to wash all the plates and saucers.'

'So you just keep moving around to a new place?'

'Exactly,' said Jason. 'We move each time the things are used up.'

Jean could see an obvious flaw in this plan, and she wasted no time in pointing it out. 'But what happens when you end up at your starting place?'

'I'm getting tired of talking about tea-time,' interrupted Deadpool, yawning. 'I vote the young lady tells us a story before I shoot someone.'

Alarmed by his remark, Jean hastily changed the subject. 'I don't know any good stories.'

'Then the Dormouse shall tell us a story!' cried Deadpool and Jason in unison before pinching Toad on both sides at once.

Toad slowly peeled open his eyes. 'I wasn't asleep. I heard every single word you were saying.'

'Tell us a story,' said Deadpool, prodding Toad with the hilt of a katana that he'd produced from under the table. Jean wondered what else he hid there, and then decided that she didn't really want to know. 'Quickly, before you fall asleep again, you bloody idiot.'

'Once upon a time,' Toad began quickly like he was afraid of being interrupted, 'there were three sisters. Their names were Elsie, Lacie and Tillie, and they lived at the bottom of a well.'

'What did they live on?' asked Jean.

Toad spent two whole minutes pondering this question. 'They lived on treacle,' he finally said.

'They couldn't have,' argued Jean. 'Treacle is a type of medicine used to treat the symptoms of poison. If they'd eaten treacle, they'd have been ill.' **(1)**

'Yeah,' replied Toad. 'They were very ill.'

'But why did they live at the bottom of a well?' Jean wanted to know.

Toad puzzled over this for quite some time, before he finally responded, 'It was a treacle well,' completely not answering Jean's question.

Jean frowned in confusion.

'But there's no such thing.'

Toad scowled and stuck his lengthy tongue out at her. 'If you're going to keep interrupting, you can finish the story yourself.'

'I'm sorry,' replied Jean, deciding that it was better to be polite and hear out the rest of the story. 'There _might _be a treacle well somewhere.'

'Of course there is,' snapped Toad in a bad-tempered way, catching and devouring a fly that had the misfortune to wander close to his tongue. Jean shuddered at the sight, suddenly losing her appetite and feeling rather queasy.

* * *

Bobby flinched, saying, 'Anyone would!'

Wanda rolled her eyes.

'And you still wonder why I'm so disgusted by him.'

**His codename is _Toad, _after all. **

* * *

'The three sisters were learning to draw.'

'What did they draw?' wondered Jean.

'Treacle!' cried all the creatures at once.

'I want a clean cup. Let's move to a new place,' interrupted Jason, scooting to a new seat as he spoke. Wade slipped into Toad's place, and Jean took Wade's seat. Jason was the only one who actually benefited from the shift. Jean was worse off than before, as Wade had just upset his milk jug.

Jean did not wish to offend Toad again, so she said very cautiously, 'I don't understand. Where did they draw the treacle from?'

Jason scoffed, as though her query had been very stupid. 'You can draw water out of a water well, so I think you should be able to draw treacle out of a treacle well-eh, moron?'

* * *

Mastermind (who had just woken up from the treatment he was subjected to by Deadpool) giggled feebly at this, eventually trailing off when he noticed a table lamp zooming towards his head.

Jean smiled in satisfaction as the unusual weapon struck its target, square between the eyes.

* * *

'But they were _in _the well.'

'Of course they were,' replied Wade sagely, nodding his head. 'Very well in, in fact.' He chuckled maniacally at the double pun, and no one cut in because he is Wade the March Hare and it would be suicide to do so.

'They were learning to draw all sorts of things beginning with M,' Toad ploughed on. 'Such as memory, moons-

* * *

'-Michelle?' Remy grins at the unamused authoress.

**Ha ha, very funny, Cajun. I refuse to be included in this story as a character. **

* * *

'-and muchness. There is a saying that goes, 'Much of a muchness.' Have you ever seen a drawing of a muchness?'

Jean thought about this while saying, 'Really, now that you ask me, I don't think-'

'Then you shouldn't talk,' said Jason snidely.

This rude behavior, coupled with Toad's ridiculous story, made a disgusted Jean get up and leave. She glanced back over her shoulder once, wondering if the three friends would call after her- but they didn't, (Jason and Wade were too busy stuffing Toad into a teapot and Toad was too busy trying to avoid suffocation) so she shrugged and continued walking.

_I don't think I'm ever going to go there again. That was the most idiotic tea party I've ever been to in my whole life. _

Just as this thought flashed across her mind, she came across a tree that had a door built into it. She didn't really find it curious as many other odd events had happened that day. So, she turned the doorknob and went inside.

Once again, she found herself in the long hall and near the little glass table. A lightbulb went on over her head and the smart girl smiled to herself as she came up with an idea to get into that pretty garden.

First, she unlocked the garden's door by using the little golden key. Then she ate a bit of the mushroom that she kept in her pocket. She soon shrunk to about one foot high.

Finally, she walked down the little passage, her heart thumping rapidly in her chest. To her delight, she arrived at last in the elegant garden, among the vibrant flowers and underneath azure blue skies.

A large rose tree stood near the garden entrance. The roses on it were white, but three gardeners were busy painting them red. Jean found it interesting and went over for a closer look. As she approached the gardeners, she heard one of them say, 'Look out, Roberto! Don't go splashing paint over me like that!'

'I couldn't help it,' growled Roberto. 'Ray bumped my elbow.'

At this, Ray looked up and retorted, 'Always blame the other fellow. Sure.'

'You better be careful of what you say,' remarked Roberto. 'Yesterday I heard the Queen say that you ought to be beheaded.'

'What for?' asked the one who had first spoken.

'That's none of your business, Sam,' said Ray, scowling.

'But I'll tell him anyway,' grinned Roberto. 'It was for bringing the cook tulip bulbs instead of onions.'

Ray threw his paintbrush at Roberto-

* * *

Ray jumped up from his seat and exclaimed, 'That's more like it! Did I manage to hit him?'

* * *

-but it missed.

* * *

'Damn.'

* * *

Just then, Sam caught sight of Jean and bowed low to her. With a flourish, the others followed his example.

'May I ask why you are painting those roses?' asked Jean curiously.

Sam and Roberto said nothing but looked at Ray, who said in a low voice, 'You see, the Queen asked for a red rose bush, but we ordered a white one by mistake. So, we're trying to correct our mistake before she finds out, because she will have our heads cut off if-'

At that moment, Roberto (who had been anxiously monitoring the garden) cried out, 'The Queen! The Queen is here!'

The effect that these six words had on the gardeners was impressive. They threw themselves flat onto their faces and lay there on the grass, not moving a muscle.

Footfall sounded in the distance, and Jean eagerly awaited the Queen, being quite curious about her.

First, ten soldiers carrying clubs marched past. They were shaped like the gardeners- oblong and flat, with their hands and feet located at their corners.

Next came ten couriers-attendants in the royal court- who were decorated with diamond patterns. They walked by two at a time, just as the soldiers had.

Following them were the ten royal children, merry and skipping by hand-in-hand. They were covered in hearts.

Then came the splendid Kings and Queens, all looking very awesome and grand in their royally impressive robes and crowns. Jogging along in their midst was the Scott the White Rabbit, who waved to Jean as he skipped merrily by.

Around the corner came Joseph, the Knave of Hearts, carrying the King's crown on a red velvet cushion.

* * *

Emma starts to laugh as this is announced. 'Joseph? Really, Michelle? Well, I can't deny that this is going to be hilarious.'

**Oh yeah, you're from the comicverse, so you know.**

'About what?' asks a bemused Rogue and Emma giggles even harder.

Remy, who has been frowning in concentration ever since the Knave's identity was revealed, suddenly jumps up in shock. 'I remember now! I know who he is!'

**Rogue, I would rather not explain who he is. Remy, shut up and sit down.**

'But...!' he stutters, 'Joseph and ma chère were-'

**Yes, the comic Rogue dumped you for him, I know, very tragic- Gah. This is why I prefer X-Men: Evolution. At least _this _Rogue doesn't run off with a guy old enough to be her grandfather...**

'WHAT!' screams Rogue, glaring at the unfazed authoress.

**Hey, blame Marvel. I didn't come up with that Rogneto crap. SilverShadowWriter reckons the plot writers over there were drunk. Well, there is so much more I could rant about, but I'll just cut the long speech and continue with the story. **

* * *

Last in the procession came the King and Queen of Hearts, Remy LeBeau and Anna Marie.

* * *

**The authoress keels over onto the floor, choking on hysterical fangirl giggles.**

**The very moment that the idea for this story struck me, I had an image of Rogue and Remy as the Monarchs of Hearts. Seriously, it is like the most awesome coincidence EVER. _Alice _has playing cards; look at what Remy is shuffling now. Everyone refers to Rogue as his Queen, and him as the King. Marvelously romantic.**

'See, chère? Even the peanut gallery agrees that you're perfect for me,' said Remy dramatically, throwing his arms around Rogue.

**Hey! I'm not... Crazy... Okay, so maybe I am. *Scowls* But 8.5 out of the 11 voices in my head say I'm sane!**

'How does half a voice talk to you?'

***Shrugs***

* * *

Jean decided not to fall flat on her face like the three gardeners. It was slightly retarded; and besides, what was the point of a procession if people didn't get to see it? So she stood still and nervously waited.

When the royal court arrived at Jean, they stopped and studied her intently. _I feel rather like a bug under a microscope. _Jean felt her heart flutter rapidly as the fearsome-looking Anna approached her.

'Who are you?' asked Anna.

Suddenly, all eyes were upon Jean, and the frightened girl realised that they were all impatiently waiting for her answer!

* * *

**(1) In the Middle Ages, 'triacle' (did I get the spelling right?) was a type of medicine.**

**Yes, this is a cliffie. Yes, 'tis likely to annoy you all. And, yes, i'm evil.**

**(1) In the Middle Ages, 'triacle' was a type of medicine. **


	9. Chapter 9- The Queen's Croquet Ground

**Chapter 9- The Queen's Croquet Ground**

**Almost 50 reviews! Come on… Review! Please? :)**

* * *

'My name is Jean, Your Majesty,' said Jean, summoning all of her courage. _Why should I be intimidated by them? They're just a pack of cards, after all._

Anna's attention was next turned to the three gardeners, and a puzzled frown appeared on her face. 'Who are these people?' she asked. Since the pattern on their backs was the same as the rest of the deck, she didn't know if they were courtiers, gardeners, or even three of her own children.

**(X)-(X)-(X)**

Remy's face brightens and he cheerfully says to Rogue, 'Roguey, we have children in this parody!'

He was met with an elbow in his ribs and the authoress chuckled.

**So perfect for each other it's almost uncanny... *Ducks Rogue's thrown phone and it gets impaled on Evan's spikes* Wait a moment... That's MY phone! Ahh! XPERIA! Rogue, you're evil!**

**(X)-(X)-(X)**  
'How should I know?' snapped Jean, profoundly surprised at her own courage. 'It's no business of mine.'

Anna looked startled at this and snarled, 'Off with her head!' mostly because it was a fun thing to do. Remy placed a gentle hand on his wife's shoulder. 'Remember, chère, she is just a child,' he whispered gently.

Anna huffed and turned away.

Addressing the three gardeners, she snapped, 'Get up!'

Roberto, Ray and Sam immediately jumped to their feet and started bowing to everyone within bowing distance.

'Cut that out,' sighed Anna. 'It's making me dizzy.'

The three gardeners stood still.

'What have you been doing here?' asked Anna, inspecting the painted rose trees.

'We were trying to-'

'I see,' answered Anna, looking most annoyed to discover that the roses had been painted. 'Off with their heads!'

**(X)-(X)-(X)**  
'I wouldn't make such a big fuss about a bunch of flowers,' complained Rogue.

**I know, but the unreasonable Queen would. Work with me here. **

**(X)-(X)-(X)**  
With that, the royal family moved on, leaving Jean alone with the three terrified gardeners, who rushed to her for protection.

**(X)-(X)-(X) **  
'We're depending on a girl we've just met to not get our butts kicked?' said Ray incredulously.

**What would you rather do? Run and find yourself surrounded by guards? Besides, its kinda fun to imagine you three boys crouching behind Jean while she fends off bananas- I mean, attackers.**

Remy sighed a drawn-out, dramatized sigh. 'She's been going on about evil bananas for three whole days. I think we should set her up with Pyro sometime. You know how he hates pineapples **(1)**.'

**No way! Pyro should be with Wanda!**

'Gah!' cried Wanda, leaping out of her seat and hexing Pyro, who had been hopefully approaching her. 'Why can I not seem to be able to attract normal suitors, for once?'

**(X)-(X)-(X)**  
'I won't let them do anything to you,' Jean vowed, and she quickly shoved them in a large and empty flowerpot nearby.

**(X)-(X)-(X) **  
'Wait... You mean the guards didn't even see her do that?' snorted Kurt.

**Um... It's not explained in the book, so I guess she did it when their backs were turned or something. Either that or the guards are really dumb.**

'But who are the soldiers?' asked Ororo.

**Whoever you'd like them to be. Um, maybe the Brotherhood, and the Acolytes, just because I want them all there. **

**(X)-(X)-(X)**  
Pietro and Piotr searched the entire garden for the three fugitives, even enlisting the help of Jean, who was trying hard not to giggle at the sight of them frantically uprooting shrubs and dashing around the place.

However, after ten minutes of searching, it became evident that the gardeners had hidden themselves well.

**(X)-(X)-(X)**  
'But why didn't they look in the flowerpot?' asked Jean.

**Rewind please.**

**(X)-(X)-(X)**  
_But as they approached the flowerpot, Jean shouted, 'Don't reach in there! It's full of millipedes and poisonous black widows!'_

_The two soldiers glanced at each other, then decided to trust Jean. Black widows were deadly, and millipedes were icky. __**(2) **__Neither of them wanted to risk it. _  
**(X)-(X)-(X)**  
**There. Much better. I myself always wondered why Lewis Carroll didn't go into detail on that scene, so I did it myself. **

**(X)-(X)-(X)**  
They ran ahead to regroup with the others. 'Are their heads off?' questioned Anna.

'Their heads are gone, Your Majesty,' promptly recited Pietro without a hint of shame.  
**(X)-(X)-(X)**  
Wanda snorted and muttered, 'He's shameless in the story. Go figure.'

'Hey! At least I'm better than _certain people _over there,' said Quicksilver pointedly, nodding towards Rogue and Remy, who were making out and using a great deal of tongue.

**How are you able to-**

Which was when Remy handed me a note that said: 'Power negater, and _yes, _I knew you were going to ask.'

**(X)-(X)-(X)**  
'Excellent!' cried Anna, who then turned to Jean and asked, 'Do you know how to play croquet?'

'Yes,' she replied.

'Well, come on, then!' cried Anna.

Jean made to follow her, but was stopped by a soft voice from behind.

'It's a very fine day, Miss,' said Scott, blushing furiously.

**(X)-(X)-(X)**  
'Awwww,' chorused Kitty and some of the younger mutants.

**But wait! There's more!**

**(X)-(X)-(X)**  
'It is, indeed,' replied Jean awkwardly. 'By the way, does your housekeeper really look that much like me? You mistook me for her, you know.'

If it had been possible for Scott to blush any harder, he would have.

'Ah, yes, about that... I'm so sorry, you see, uh, she's got red hair and-'

'It's ok,' said Jean, more to reassure Scott than anything. They both smiled at each other.

'Where's the Duchess?' asked Jean suddenly.

**(X)-(X)-(X)**  
'Wait, that's it?' asks Scott, mouth gaping. '_That's _my pleasant surprise?'

**I couldn't have Jean mate with a rabbit, could I? Sparks were flying between the two of you anyway. I thought that would be enough to satisfy you. **  
**(X)-(X)-(X)**  
'She's under sentence of execution,' replied Scott.

'What for?'

'For attempted seduction and murder of the King **(3)**, followed by assault on the Queen who punched the Duchess's face-'

Jean gave a little screech of laughter. To be frank, she had never been very fond of Raven the Duchess, and she couldn't believe she'd tried to seduce _the King. _

**(X)-(X)-(X)**  
**Everybody hold Rogue back!**

Rogue growled and lunged towards Mystique.

A person standing outside the casting room door would have heard this:

**BANG! ROAR OF RAGE! CRASH! SCREECH OF A SHAPESHIFTER! SCREAM! BOOM! UTTER APOCALYPSE IN THE CASTING ROOM!**

Along with a creepy soundtrack, which was actually Deadpool's maniacal laughter.

**(X)-(X)-(X)**  
'Shh!' whispered Scott, nervously looking around to check if anyone had heard. 'They'll hear and behead you!'

Jean stopped abruptly. Scott's ruby eyes glinted with concern for her, a warm feeling that melted her heart. She smiled brightly-Scott let a silly grin cross his mouth at the sight- and kissed his cheek.

**(X)-(X)-(X)**  
**Oh my gosh, don't tell me he missed that! Scott, wake up. Snap out of it.**

'He's still unconscious,' said Jean worriedly. Rogue had chucked a chair-among other things- at Mystique but she'd missed and it hit Scott instead.

**Are we ever gonna have a normal day around here?**

**(X)-(X)-(X)**  
'Take your places everyone!' bellowed Anna from the croquet court, and Jean bid farewell to a blushing Scott.

The game was soon underway, but Jean wasn't too excited about it, mainly because of the poorly- designed croquet ground. It was composed entirely of ridges and furrows, so rough that it was impossible to hit the ball straight in any direction.

Not only that, but the croquet balls were live hedgehogs, and the mallets were real, breathing flamingos. The arches were formed by the soldiers, who had to stand on their hands and feet to form them. For Jean, the greatest difficulty was getting the card soldiers to stand still long enough so that she could play.

To make matters worse, everybody was playing on their own terms, disobeying all the rules. They were a bad bunch; argumentative and selfish, snatching hedgehogs and whacking other people with their flamingos.

**(X)-(X)-(X)**  
Roberto suddenly said in an alarmed voice, 'Authoress, is that Deadpool?'

Sure enough, Wade was on the screen, doing most of the whacking and arguing. A few gunshots were fired and most people gave him a wide berth, eager to avoid the crazy knife-wielding lunatic who was apparently trying to talk to his flamingo.

**What the- How'd he get in there?**

**(X)-(X)-(X)**  
All of this greatly offended Anna, who went around in a terrifying rage, roaring, 'Off with her head!' or 'Off with his head!'

Jean was afraid that Anna might soon turn on her and order _her _execution. _What will become of me? They're so fond of beheading people around here. It's a wonder that anyone is left alive._

Just as she looked around for a way to escape, she noticed Kitty emerging from a nearby tree. Jean was elated to see her old friend as she would finally have someone to talk to.

'How are you?' asked Kitty cordially. The frustrated Jean decided that she would allow herself some time to whine about her present situation.

'They don't play fairly at all,' she complained to Kitty. 'They waste all of their time quarreling and breaking rules. You have no idea how confusing it is for everything to be alive! Look, there's the arch walking around now. How am I supposed to knock the hedgehog into it?'

'And how do you find the Queen?' asked Kitty in a low voice.

'Not really,' replied Jean with some uncertainty. 'She's so-'

At that moment, Jean noticed that Anna was right behind her, listening to her words, so she hurriedly changed her words

'-likely to win that's it's hardly worth finishing the game.'

Anna raised an eyebrow but casually strolled past them.

**(X)-(X)-(X)**

'Idiot,' said Belladonna angrily, still stuck in the ground. 'Anyone with half a brain cell could have saw that Jean was about to say something derogatory.'

Rogue, who was still smarting from the whole Raven thing, said some words to Belladonna which had better not be repeated here because this is rated K.

**(X)-(X)-(X)**

'Who are you talking to?' inquired Remy, coming up behind Jean and gazing at Kitty with great curiosity.

'She's a Cheshire Cat. Allow me to introduce-'

'I don't like the look of her at all,' interrupted Remy. 'However, she may kiss my foot, if she likes.'

**(X)-(X)-(X)**

'Classic Remy,' muttered Kitty. 'Cocky, arrogant, annoying…'

**Epic Kitty!**

'Humph,' muttered Remy.

**(X)-(X)-(X)**

'I'd rather not,' retorted Kitty.

'Don't be impertinent,' replied Remy irritably. 'And don't look at me like that. It's creepy.'

**(X)-(X)-(X)**

'It is not,' insisted Kitty. 'And besides, I don't even look at Remy. Why would I want to do that?'

**(X)-(X)-(X)**

'A cat may look at a king,' murmured Jean to absolutely nobody. 'I've read that in a book somewhere, but I can't remember where.'

'My darling,' called Remy to Anna. 'I wish you would have this cat removed.'

**(X)-(X)-(X)**

'Don't call me darling,' muttered Rogue, 'it's so sappy and annoying.'

'Aww but you like it, chère,' protested Remy.

**(X)-(X)-(X)**

Now, Anna had only one way of solving all difficulties, big or small. 'Off with its head!' she called to Remy, not even glancing at Kitty.

'Excellent!' exclaimed Remy in glee, and he summoned the executioner.

**(X)-(X)-(X)**

'Don't you even think about it,' exclaimed Kitty. 'Or I'll give you the Belladonna treatment!'

**(X)-(X)-(X)**

Kitty scowled and began to phase, so Jean thought she might as well go back to the croquet game and see how the players were faring. However, gameplay was worse off than ever. As she tucked her flamingo- which constantly tried to escape- under her arm, Kitty materialized in the middle of the court. A large crowd slowly began to gather around her as she slowly rose out of the ground like a phantom.

Jean had to run after her hedgehog, which got into a fight with another hedgehog. Jean, after getting poked several times while trying to separate them, eventually gave up and returned to the center of the croquet ground to see the commotion.

**(X)-(X)-(X)**

'Who's the hedgehog?' asked Kurt.

**Um… Ah darn. I'd have liked it to be Jamie. How about Jubilee?**

'WHAT?!' snaps Jubes, storming onto the set

**(X)-(X)-(X)**

There was a dispute going on between Anna, Remy and John the Executioner.

**(X)-(X)-(X)**

The authoress sighed.

**Go on, Pyro. I know you're dying to say it.**

'I'm the Executioner? AWESOME!' yelled the fiery Aussie, whose creations of fire cantered around the room, setting fire to several objects and one person- Mastermind. He yelped and ran for a hose of water.

**Why is it always him?**

'Comic relief, I guess,' shrugged Jubilee, who had recovered from the shock of being a prickly mammal.

'At least it's not Scott,' observed Jean.

**(X)-(X)-(X)**

The three playing cards rushed up to Jean and begged her to resolve their debate. However, because they all started talking at once, she couldn't understand them at all.

Eventually though, they slowed down just enough for Jean to make out what they were saying.

John cried, 'Blasphemy! I cannot cut off a head unless it's attached to a body! I have never done anything like that before in my life, and I certainly am not going to start now! This is _blasphemy, _I tell you!'

**(X)-(X)-(X)**

'What's with the 'blasphemy's?' asked Remy.

**Inside joke with Silver and John in our Whatsapp group.**

Deadpool threw a saber at the authoress, who died and came back because nothing gets in the way of a determined teenage girl eager to say her piece.

'Nobody breaks the fourth wall except me!' hollered Deadpool.

**Shut up. Anyway, yes, we were breaking the fourth wall in Whatsapp, and I made John keep saying 'BLASPHEMY!' while we were RP-ing. **

**(X)-(X)-(X)**

Remy retorted angrily, 'Anything with a head can be beheaded, you absolute moron.'

**(X)-(X)-(X)**

'Hear, hear!' cried Wanda.

'Bloody git,' said Pyro, addressing Remy. 'Blasphemy!'

**:D Even the real Pyro's caught on now!**

Somewhere in this universe, SilverShadowWriter sighed and muttered,'What the bloody hell…'

**(X)-(X)-(X)**

Anna's _highly logical _argument was this: 'If something isn't done soon, I will behead everyone within a ten mile radius!'

This statement was what had everyone so grave and anxious.

Jean could think of nothing else to say except, 'The Cat belongs to the Duchess. You'd better ask for her permission first.'

**(X)-(X)-(X)**  
Rogue grumbled, 'Even in this parody she orders us around.'

**(X)-(X)-(X)**  
John shot off like an arrow to fetch Raven.

However, while he left, Kitty had been slowly disappearing into the background. When John returned with Raven in tow, Kitty was gone, prompting a fruitless search for her- but she was long gone.

Remy and his guards upturned the place looking for her, but to no avail.

Meanwhile, everybody else continued the croquet game.

* * *

**Wow... Not much response for the last chapter. Out of 601 people, only 45 reviews. Would like some feedback, thanks. **

**(1) This pineapple phobia is from Red Witch. My own abnormal banana fear is some nonsense I made up some chapters back- remember? :)**

**(2) Found this out for myself when the class was taken for a 'learning journey'. Total millipede count: 87. One memorable moment was when a group of us stumbled upon a millipede orgy, and I suddenly found myself in the middle of about 20 of them trying to circle me. Lovely place, eh?**

**(3) That whole Foxx incident (X-Men #171 onwards I think). Yeh, I _had _to include it. Hey, come on, Rogue never really got to hit Mystique for her little stunt that angered Romy fans worldwide.**

**Trivia: This is the longest chapter so far.**


	10. Chapter 10- A Word from the Duchess

**Chapter 10- A Word From The Duchess**

**Oh my goodness, I'm so very sorry for the super late update! I'm having some problems with Evernote right now. It keeps deleting my drafts- % #$*! Anyway, I'm now back in the writing groove, having fired Evernote and instead using another notes app. **

**Special thanks to Chellerbelle who gave me my 50th review!  
**

* * *

'I'm so glad to see you again, dearie,' cooed Raven, as she tucked her arm through Jean's and whisked her away from the croquet crowd.

Jean was rather relieved to find her in such a good mood. She wondered if it could have been the pepper that had made Raven so angry back in her kitchen.

_If I ever become a Duchess, I won't have any pepper in my kitchen at all. Maybe it's that that makes people hot-tempered. Hmm... Then perhaps sugar makes them sweet and vinegar makes them sour. _

'You're thinking about something,' Raven whispered. 'That makes you forget to reply to me. I can't remember what the moral of that is, but I'm sure it'll all come back to me any moment now.'

'Perhaps it doesn't have a moral,' suggested Jean.

'Tut, tut. Everything's got a moral, if only you can find it.'

As she spoke, she inched closer and closer to the uncomfortable Jean.

* * *

'And the moral of that is... Raven is creepy,' declared Bobby in a grandiose tone which earned a dark look from Mystique.

* * *

Jean didn't like it at all because it just felt... Odd. Who would want an ugly old woman cozying up to them after barely hours of acquaintance? Especially when the aforementioned Duchess had been hurling insults at Jean earlier.

Raven didn't seem to mind their proximity but Jean definitely did.

'The game's probably going well,' replied Jean in a wasted effort to keep the conversation going.

'Why, so it is,' murmured Raven in her oily voice. 'The moral of that is: 'Oh, 'tis love, 'tis love, that makes the world go round.''

Jean was shocked. Hadn't they had a similar discussion before? She remembered that, so she replied, '_Somebody_ once said that's done by everybody minding their own business.'

'Oh, it means the same thing,' said Raven airily. 'And the moral of that is- 'Take care of the sense, and the sounds will take care of themselves."

_How fond she is of finding morals in things_, Jean observed, trying to make sense of Raven's last remark.

'I'm sure you're wondering why I don't put my arm around your waist,' cooed Raven.

* * *

"Because she'll hit you for being a creep?' suggested Wanda sarcastically.

* * *

'You see, the reason is that I'm not sure whether your flamingo is friendly or not. Shall I pet him and find out?'

'He might bite,' replied Jean in a somewhat hopeful tone. Anything to get rid of Raven.

'Very true,' agreed Raven. 'Mustard and flamingoes both bite. And the moral of that is, 'Birds of a feather flock together'.'

'Mustard isn't a bird,' Jean pointed out.

'Correct as usual.'

'I think mustard is a mineral.'

'Why, darling, of course it is!' Raven piped up, apparently eager to agree with everything Jean said. 'There's a large mustard mine somewhere around here. And the moral of that is, 'The more there is of mine, the less there is of yours'.'

'Oh, I got it!' exclaimed Jean, who hadn't been paying attention to Raven. 'Mustard is a vegetable! It doesn't look like one, but it is!'

* * *

'Eureka,' Rogue piped up dryly.

* * *

'Exactly!' cried Raven happily. 'The moral of that is, 'Be what you seem to be' or to put it more simply, 'Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.'

* * *

**Hands up anyone whose brain started to flail like a spastic reindeer in an ice rink after reading that whole paragraph.**

Everybody raised their hands.

**Yeah, nice one there, Lewis Carroll. **

* * *

'I think I should understand that if it were written down,' said a befuddled Jean. 'But I can't quite follow it as you say it.'

'It's nothing compared to what I could say if only I'd put my mind to it,' said Raven smugly.

Jean shuddered at the thought. 'For goodness' sake, _please_ don't trouble yourself to say anything more than that.'

* * *

'Hear, hear!' shouted Bobby.

'BLASPHEMY!' roared Pyro, who was immediately blasted into the floor by a couple of exploding playing cards, a powerful laser beam, a nearly lethal hex bolt, a couple of Deadpool's grenades and a few ice missiles.

* * *

'No worries!' cried Raven joyfully, waving a hand in the air. 'I'll make you a present of everything I've said as of now!'

* * *

Mystique had her forehead buried in her palm in some kind of prolonged facepalm and the Acolytes were all doubled over in silent but hysterical laughter. Come to think of it, nearly everyone was.

'I'll never live this down,' groaned the blue shapeshifter with a twitching left eye.

* * *

_A cheap sort of present,_ Jean thought. _I'm glad people don't give presents like that. _But she was careful to keep her thoughts to herself.

'Thinking again?' said Raven, digging her chin into poor Jean's shoulder.

I've a perfect right to think,' replied Jean curtly, as she was beginning to feel annoyed.

'Just about as much right,' replied Raven, 'as pigs have to fly, and the mor-'

To Jean's astonishment, Raven's voice died away, even in the middle of her favourite word, 'moral'. The arm linked to Jean's began to tremble. She looked up and there stood before them Anna, her arms folded over her chest, her face as dark as a thundercloud. Her scowl had achieved a level of indescribable scariness.

* * *

**Dun dun dun dunnnnn... **

Somewhere in the distance, thunder sounded.

'You simply asked Ororo to create some special effects, didn't you?' asked Logan dryly.

* * *

'You have two choices,' Anna said angrily. 'Either you or your head must be off. Preferably both.'

And Raven scurried off immediately.

'Come on!' Anna abruptly snapped. 'Let's continue with the game.'

And so they did. However, all through the rest of the match, the furious Anna kept screaming 'Off with his head!' or 'Off with her head!' The soldiers who formed the arches were forced to leave their positions to take the players into custody and soon, the only people remaining were Remy, Anna and Jean.

_Any moment now_, thought the nervous girl. _The Queen will have me carted off for execution._

But luck was on her side, and that didn't happen. Eventually, Anna realised that the game had to end. 'Have you seen the Mock Turtle?' she cried to Jean.

'No. I don't even know what it is!'

'It's the creature used to make Mock Turtle Soup,' Anna explained.

'I have never heard of it.'

'Why, come on, then! I'll take you to him. He'll tell you the story of his life.'

As Anna pulled her away, she could faintly hear in the distance: 'Everyone is pardoned! Don't mind my darling wife, she's just a bit more grumpy than usual today!'

* * *

'Once again, Remy manages to annoy me with his mushiness,' growled Rogue, despite the slight grin that hinged upon her lips.

* * *

_Now that's definitely a good thing,_ thought Jean, drawing in a deep breath and finally relaxing. She'd been unnerved by the large amount of executions Anna had ordered.

After they had walked for quite a while, they stumbled upon a Gryphon, sunning itself.

Sabretooth the Gryphon was a mythical creature-

* * *

'DAMN IT ALL TO HELL!' was Sabes' _very enthusiastic _reply.

* * *

It had the head, wings and claws of a eagle, along with the body and hind parts of a lion. Most people believed it also had the qualities of both eagles and lions- watchfulness and bravery.

* * *

'In Sabes' case, it's more like stupidity and lack of hygiene,' snarled Wolverine.

The two furballs- ahem, I mean, warriors- leapt at each other and attempted to rip each other apart.

**Knock it off already! I have a story to run here!**

* * *

Anna, however, didn't fit into the category of 'most people'.

'Get up, you lazy dork,' she barked. 'Take this young lady to the Mock Turtle. And make it snappy, or I'll have your head on my wall.'

* * *

'Being ordered around by a girl, Sabes?' growled Logan, and the two vengeful mutants were at it again.

* * *

'I must check on some of the executions I ordered.'

With that, Anna walked off, leaving Jean alone with Sabretooth.

* * *

**Who here wants a bonus chapter?**


	11. Chapter 11- The Mock Turtle's Story

**AIW Chapter 11- The Mock Turtle's Story**

**By the way, please like my Facebook page: https(:)/(face)(book)(.com)/(ClairesDemons)**

**Just remember to take out the brackets. **

**By the way, tokipocky and I are about to restart our old project, X-Mice Comics. Yep, mice. When we're done with the page, we'll post the link on my main page. Please have a look at our comics! :D**

* * *

Jean didn't really like Sabretooth, but decided that pursuing the ill-tempered Anna would be far worse than staying with it. So she sat down on a nearby rock and waited for Sabretooth to speak.

After a while, he opened his eyes and chuckled maniacally. 'What fun!' he cried, gazing into the distance after Anna.

'What do you mean?'

'It's all the Queen's imagination really,' replied Sabretooth. 'They never executes nobody, you know. Come on.' He trotted away.

_He might have watchfulness and courage, but his grammar leaves much to be desired._

As Jean hurried after Sabretooth, something else occurred to her.

_Everybody here says 'come on'. I've never been ordered around so much in my life, _thought the miserable girl.

They had not gone far before they saw Erik the Mock Turtle in the distance, sitting on a rock ledge and sobbing wildly.

* * *

'Why? Why am I always cast in humiliating roles?'

**This is my first time casting you, Mags. **

'Don't call me that,' muttered Magneto darkly, trying to ignore the blatant amusement of everyone around him.

* * *

Suddenly, Jean felt sympathy for Erik. 'Why is he so sad?' she asked Sabretooth.

He answered in nearly the same order as before. 'It's all his imagination really. He hasn't got no sorrow, you know. Come on.'

So they both went up to Erik, who stared at them with large eyes filled with tears, but he said nothing.

'This here young lady, she wants to know the story of your life, she do!' announced Sabretooth cheerfully.

* * *

'What's with this 'cheerful' nonsense?!' roared Sabes.

**Shut up before I do something really, really bad.  
**  
'Oh yeah? Give it your best shot!' cried Sabretooth proudly.

In the next moment, a giant hammer descended from the sky and smashed down on him.

'Well, that's certainly going to leave a mark,' said Emma, talking over Logan's raucous laughter at the sight of his nemesis.

* * *

'Sit down, and don't say a word until I've finished!' ordered Erik, and then he promptly went back to bawling his eyes out.

So Jean and Sabretooth sat down, and neither of them said a word for several minutes. Jean didn't see how keeping them in suspense was going to help, but she patiently waited all the same.

Finally, Erik sniffed, 'I was once a real turtle.'

This one sentence sent him into another fit of tears.

* * *

'Why do I keep crying? Do I have to continue crying?' demanded Magneto.

**Of course. You're the comic relief this time round, because I still bear a grudge against you for what you did with Rogue in Age of Apocalypse.**

'Not again,' muttered Kitty. 'Another day, another expletive-filled rant,'

'WHAT?!' shrieked Rogue. 'What did I do with him?!'

**Nothing. Much.**

* * *

This was then followed by a long silence, which was broken only by Erik's sobs and an occasional exclamation of 'Hjckrrh' from Sabretooth.

Jean was incredibly close to just getting up and leaving, but she felt that surely there was more to the story. Thus, she decided to stay for a little longer.

'When we were little,' continued Erik at last, 'we went to school in the sea. The teacher was an old turtle. We used to call him 'Tortoise'.'

'But why did you call him that if he wasn't actually a tortoise?' asked Jean.

'You are very dull,' berated Erik. 'We called him that because he taught us.'

Jean glowered at Erik, who didn't notice and plowed on with his story. 'Yes, we went to school in the sea, although you may not believe it.'

'I never said I didn't.'

'You did!' insisted Erik.

Before Jean could protest, Sabretooth cut in. 'Hold your tongue!' he cried menacingly, and everyone fell silent. Erik soon spoke up again.

'We had the best of educations. In fact, we went to school every day!' he beamed at Jean as he said this.

'I've been to a day school too. You needn't be so proud about it.'

'Were there extras?' asked Erik eagerly.

'Yes. We learnt French and music.'

'Was there washing?' asked Sabretooth.

'Of course not.'

'Then yours wasn't a very good school,' replied Sabretooth smugly.

* * *

'Imagine that,' Jean said dryly. 'Furball being cocky because he learnt washing.'

* * *

'We had all of that. On the bill, it said: French, music and washing- extra.'

'You didn't have to learn washing if you lived at the bottom of the sea!' said Jean indignantly.

'I couldn't afford it,' sighed Erik, interrupting Jean. 'I only took the regular courses.'

'What were they?'

'Reeling and Writhing, of course,' replied Erik. 'And then the different branches of Arithmetic: Ambition, Distraction, Uglification and Derision.'

Jean's head swum with confusion. 'I've never heard of Uglification. What is it?'

Sabretooth threw his paws up in the air, utterly astonished. 'Never heard of Uglification?!' he cried. 'You know what it means to beautify?'

'To make things prettier.'

'Well then, if you still can't figure out what Uglification is, then you're an absolute simpleton,' crowed Sabretooth happily.

* * *

Back in the real world, Jean chucked several photo frames at Sabretooth, who roared his displeasure and was about to attack her when another hammer appeared above his head. The frames smashed into pieces against the wall.

**Oh my God. This is my sister's house... She's going to kill me.**

* * *

His hostile attitude didn't encourage Jean to ask any more questions, so she quickly changed the subject. 'What else did you learn?'

'Well, there was Mystery,' replied Erik, ticking off the subjects on his flippers.

* * *

Magneto buried his face in his hands. 'Flippers. I have flippers. If Charles hears of this, he'll never let me live this down.'

'You were saying?' cried Professor X happily, wheeling into the room and snapping a few photographs of Magneto with flippers.

* * *

'Mystery- ancient and modern. There was also Seaography, Drawling, Stretching, and Fainting with Coils.'

'What was that last one like?'

'I can't show you, I'm afraid. I'm too stiff, and the Gryphon never learned it.'

'Hadn't the time,' replied Sabretooth. 'I went to the Classics teacher, though. He was an old crab, he was.'

'I never went to his class,' said Erik regretfully. 'He taught Laughing and Grief, they all said.'

Sabretooth sighed sadly. 'So he did, so he did.'

At this, both creatures buried their faces in their scaly paws and cried for a few minutes.

* * *

Sabretooth looked like he was about to hit his breaking point.

* * *

'How many hours a day did you spend in school?' asked Jean.

'10 on the first day, 9 on the next, and so forth,' chorused Erik and Sabretooth at the same time.

Jean had never heard of such a plan for school before, so she had been taken by surprise when they said that. 'I've never heard of such a scheme before,' she commented.

'That's the reason they're called lessons; because they lessen from day to day!' Sabretooth nodded smartly at this statement.

'Lucky ducks,' mused Jean, thinking of her own school back home. The teachers were stuffy and the students were mostly spoilt. 'So then, the eleventh day must have been a holiday?'

'Of course it was. I stayed home and cried into my fluffy pillow.'

Jean ignored this rather disturbing sentence of Erik's and instead focused on something else that had just struck her. 'But what did you do on the twelfth? Did school only last ten days?'

'That's enough about school,' snapped Sabretooth forcefully, bringing the matter to a close. 'Tell her something about the games.'

Jean brightened up at the thought of games, but unfortunately you couldn't say the same about Erik. He sighed and brushed away some more stray tears before trying to speak. But for a minute or two, he couldn't talk and instead just stared at Jean, his voice choked with sobs.

Sabretooth made an irritated noise and reached over to bang his friend's back heavily. 'It's like he has a bone stuck in his throat,' he complained, as he began to whack Erik hard enough to cause the poor turtle even more pain.

* * *

'Do you have a personal vendetta against me?!' howled Magneto.

**Why yes, I do.**

* * *

'Watch it!' Jean cried shrilly, and kicked Sabretooth's knee to get him to stop. Of course, it didn't really hurt, but he got the message all the same.

At last, Erik managed to recover his voice and finally began to splutter out something coherent. 'You may not have lived much under the sea-'

'I haven't,' replied Jean immediately.

'Of course not!' cried the suddenly excited creature. 'But perhaps you were once introduced to a lobster?'

Jean was about to say, _I once tasted one_, but then thought better of it and instead said, 'No, never, on no occasion have I ever seen a lobster, ever in my whole life.'

* * *

'I'm not such a terrible liar,' protested Jean.

* * *

'So you have no idea how wonderful a lobster quadrille can be,' replied Erik. 'Well, just be patient because I am going to tell you all about it,'


	12. Chapter 12- The Lobster Quadrille

**Chapter 12- The Lobster Quadrille**

**Once again, thanks to everyone who reviewed!**

**Sporks: LOL, I have to agree with you there. That word perfectly describes Erik. Yes, maybe I should force everyone to clean it up... Bwahaha!**

* * *

Jean knew that a quadrille was a type of dance, but a lobster quadrille was unfamiliar to her. Thus, she asked Erik, 'What's that? I've never heard of it before.'

Sabretooth waved his paws widely, nearly hitting Jean by accident. 'It's a square dance!' he yelled happily. 'You form a line by the shore-'

'Two lines!' corrected Erik, who did not want to be left out of the conversation. 'Lines formed of seals, salmon, squid, tiger sharks and so forth. Then when you've cleaned the jellyfish out of the way-'

'You chuck them into the nearest mud pit,' said Sabretooth menacingly. 'There was one time I caught this huge one and I named it Logan before stabbing-'

* * *

'Kid, I am going to murder you later,' growled Logan.

**Not if I lock you in a room with Sabes and leave you two alone. You'll be too distracted to focus on me :D**

* * *

'You advance twice,' Erik carried on.

'Each time with a lobster as a partner,' explained Sabretooth.

'Yes, of course,' agreed Erik. 'Then you advance twice again.'

'Change lobsters and move back in the same order as before!'

'Then,' Erik went on,' 'you throw the-'

'THE LOBSTERS!' shouted Sabretooth.

'As far out to sea as you can-'

'Swim after them!' roared Sabretooth.

'Do a somersault in the sea!' shrieked Erik, trying to do a cartwheel on the grass but toppling over and landing on his rear end with an 'umph'.

* * *

'I'm ashamed to be related to you,' said Wanda and Pietro at the same time. The two loving siblings then scowled at each other.

'Epic fail,' giggled Jubilee.

'Now you know how the humiliation feels,' said Mystique to Magneto glumly.

* * *

'Change partners again!' yelled Sabretooth at the top of his lungs. 'Then sprint back to land!'

'And that's the first figure of the dance,' said Erik, suddenly lowering his voice and taking on a rather serious expression.

The two creatures, who'd been wildly rushing about and screaming their heads off-

* * *

**OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!**

* * *

-sat down again and sadly gazed at Jean, their eyes misting over for some reason.

'It must be a very pretty dance,' said Jean awkwardly, trying to make light of the situation.

'Would you like to see some of it?'

'Indeed I would,' replied Jean tactfully.

'Let's try the first figure. We can do it without lobsters. Who shall sing?' Sabretooth stared pointedly at Erik, who heaved a heavy sigh and conceded defeat. 'Oh all right then, you duffer, I'll sing since you've forgotten the words.'

'I never listened in class, especially not when they taught the lyrics,' admitted Sabretooth by way of explanation to Jean.

So they both began dancing solemnly around Jean, stepping on her toes every now and then when they got too close to her. They waved their paws in the air to keep time, while Erik sang this song slowly and sadly:

_'Will you walk a little faster?' said a whiting to a snail. _

_'There's a porpoise close behind us, and he's treading on my tail.'_

_See how eagerly the lobsters and turtles all advance!_

_They are waiting on the shingle- will you come and join the dance?_

_Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, will you join the dance?_

_You can really have no notion how delightful it will be,_

_When they take us up and throw us, with the lobsters, out to sea!_

_But the snail replied, 'Too far, too far,' and gave a look askance-_

_Said he thanked the whiting kindly, but he would not join the dance. _

_Would not, could not, would not, could not, would not join the dance. _

_'What matters it how far I go?' his scaly friend replied._

_'There is another shore, you know, upon the other side._

_The further off from England the nearer is to France-_

_Then turn not pale, beloved snail, but come and join the dance. _

_Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, won't you join the dance?'_

'That's a very interesting dance to watch,' replied Jean politely, trying to save the two creatures some embarrassment. Inwardly, she sighed with relief that the torture was over. 'I like that part about the fish called a whiting.'

'Oh, as to the whiting,' said Erik, 'you've seen them, yes?'

'Of course,' was Jean's immediate response. 'I've seen them at dinn-' and she stopped dead in the middle of the sentence.

'I have no idea where in the world 'dinn' may be,' replied Erik in an oddly chipper tone, 'but if you've seen them, you must know what they are like.'

Jean nodded. 'I believe so. They have their tails in their mouths and crumbs all over them.'

'You're wrong about the crumbs,' growled Sabretooth.

'They would all wash off in the sea,' explained Erik. 'But they do have their tails in their mouths. Tell her why,' he added forcibly, staring daggers at Sabretooth.

The latter rolled his eyes and said, 'It's because they went out with the lobsters to dance. So they got thrown out to sea. So they fell a long distance. So they landed wrong side up. So they bit down on their tails by accident. So they got their tails in their mouth. So that's all.'

* * *

'You really have to work on your vocabulary,' chided Professor X.

'Who cares,' grunted Sabretooth. 'I'll just steal phrases from other people.' **(1)**

* * *

Jean desperately scrambled to find something positive to say, because both Erik and Sabretooth were looking at her apprehensively, as if they were expecting her to say something deep and glowing about Sabretooth's speech. 'Uhm, well, it's very useful; I never knew so much about a whiting before.'

They both beamed at her and clapped their paws together. 'I can tell you more about whitings, if you like,' said Erik. 'Do you know why they're called whitings?'

'I never pondered it. Why?'

'It does the boots and the shoes,' said Erik gravely, clasping his hands together.

Sabretooth started to hum something that sounded horribly off-key and out of tune.

* * *

'WHAT?! I'm HUMMING?'

**Well... Yeah. Don't complain. I could make this much worse for you.  
**

* * *

'Does the boots and shoes?' Jean repeated in puzzlement.

'Well, what are your shoes done with? What makes them so shiny?'

Jean examined her ebony school boots. 'Blacking, I think.'

Sabretooth stopped humming, to Jean's delight. 'Shoes under the sea are done with whiting,' he stated.

That piqued Jean's curiosity. 'What are the shoes made of?'

'Soles and eels, of course!' snapped the monster impatiently. 'Any shrimp could have told you that.'

Jean, whose mind was still on the silly song, did not pay much attention to that. 'If I'd been the whiting, I'd have said to the porpoise, 'Keep back, please! We don't want you with us!''

'They had to have him with them,' reprimanded Erik. 'No wise fish would ever go anywhere without a porpoise.'

'Don't you mean purpose?' Jean clarified.

'I mean what I say,' retorted Erik, somewhat offended.

'Come, let's hear some of your adventures!' cried Sabretooth suddenly.

'I could tell you my adventures beginning from this morning,' said Jean cautiously. 'But there's no use going back to yesterday because I was a different person then.'

Sabretooth shrugged nonchalantly. 'Eh, close enough,' he said, and both creatures crouched close to Jean, eager to hear her tale.

She was slightly nervous at the intense attention, but started talking all the same, gaining courage when nobody interrupted her. However, her head was so full of the Lobster Quadrille that she hardly knew what she was saying, and her words came out in a very strange way.

_''Tis the voice of the Lobster, I heard him declare,_

_'You have baked me too brown; I must sugar my hair!'_

_As a duck with its eyelids, so he with his nose,_

_Trims his belt and his buttons, and turns out his toes._

_When the sands are all dry, he is gay as a lark-_

_Jean's recital was cut short when Bobby sniggered. _

_Don't laugh! Gay means happy too! _

_And will talk in contemptuous tones of the Shark;_

_But when the tide rises and sharks are around,_

_His voice has a timid and tremulous sound.'_

'That all sounds like uncommon nonsense,' was Erik's confused reply.

Jean said nothing. She had sunk down onto the grass with her face in her hands, wondering if anything would ever happen in a natural way again.

'I think you'd better stop now,' said Sabretooth, and Jean was only too glad to comply.

'Shall we try another figure of the Lobster Quadrille or shall Erik sing us all a song?' asked Sabretooth when nobody said anything for quite a while.

'Oh, a song, please, if you would be so kind,' replied Jean, glancing at Erik, who was crying madly again.

Sabretooth looked offended. 'There's no accounting for taste,' he muttered, before poking Erik and saying loudly, 'Sing her 'Turtle Soup', old fellow!'

* * *

'Who are you calling old?!' yelled Magneto. 'You're a good 200 years or more yourself!'

**Mags, really, in terms of appearance, you're the oldest in this room.**

* * *

Just then, a cry of 'The Trial's beginning!' was sounded in the distance. In reply to that, Sabretooth shouted 'Come on!' and grabbed Jean's hand, dragging her along behind him as he ran towards the source of the sound.

* * *

'Manhandle my girlfriend again and you won't live to see her throw you off a building,' growled Scott, his hand ready at his visor.

Once again, Sabes foolishly dared Scott to give it his best shot, with the end result of creating a huge crater in the floor with his own body.

**Don't you ever learn? By the way, everyone, you'll have to help me clean this apartment up when the story's done. My older sister Red will murder the whole lot of you if you don't. I mean it!**

* * *

Faintly behind them, they could hear the first few verses of Erik's sad and soulful song, carried towards them on the sea breeze.

_'Beautiful Soup, so rich and green,_

_Waiting in a hot tureen,_

_Who for such beauties would not stoop?_

_Soup of the evening, beautiful, beautiful Soup!'_

* * *

'Magneto's one true love,' declared Remy. 'Turtle soup.'

'Isn't that cannibalism though?' Kitty pointed out.

**Yeah... Well... Magneto is weird...**

* * *

But Jean paid no heed to it as her mind was already on the upcoming trial, rather than Erik's plaintive wail. Things changed so rapidly in that place, one could barely pay attention to one event before something else came in its place.

And soon, poor Jean couldn't think at all. It was all she could do to keep up with Sabretooth as he raced along, pulling her with him.

* * *

**(1) Someone I know actually does that on a daily basis. **

**Two chapters to go, three if I carry through with my bonus chapter :D **

**Reviews are love!**


	13. Chapter 13- Who Stole the Tarts?

**Chapter 13- Who Stole the Tarts?**

* * *

'What trial are we going to?' panted Jean, as she struggled to keep up with Sabretooth.

But the monster only answered, 'Come on!' and ran all the faster. Stumbling over her own feet, Jean could barely keep up with him.

He pulled her into a courtroom, which was filled with a crowd of various birds and beasts. Seated on two ornate thrones at the end of the room were Anna and Remy, the former of whom frowned at Sabretooth and Jean when they frantically dashed into the room, out of breath from all that running. And falling down. And nearly running over the devious little snail camouflaging itself against the ground to let Jean trip over it.

Joseph, the Knave of Hearts, knelt before Anna and Remy, with chains around his arms and legs. There was a card soldier on either side of him to guard him. Standing to the side was Scott, with a trumpet in one hand and a scroll of yellowed parchment in the other.

In the middle of the court was a table with a dish of strawberry tarts placed upon it. The scrumptious pastries made Jean's stomach rumble. She immediately hoped that the trial would end as soon as possible so that the refreshments would be given out.

She'd never been in a court of justice before, but she knew plenty about it from all the books she'd read. _There's the judge because he's wearing a huge white wig. _

The judge was, in fact, Remy. He looked very uncomfortable in his unusual headgear.

* * *

'Ridiculous,' snorted Remy. 'I look like an idiot in that wig.'

**Isn't that the point though?**

'What- HEY!'

* * *

He wore his crown over the wig. Unfortunately for him, the whole arrangement looked extremely outlandish. It was highly unbecoming.

Not far away was the jury box with 12 creatures in it. Some of them were animals and some were birds. All of them were busy scribbling something down on their slates.

'What are they doing?' Jean whispered to Sabretooth. 'The trial hasn't started yet. Surely they can't have anything to write down yet.'

'They're putting down their names so that they don't forget them,' Sabretooth hissed back.

'Stupid things,' said Jean loudly, and Remy immediately called, 'Silence in the court!'

Scott frowned disapprovingly looked around for the person who had spoken. Ironically, Jean just happened to be sitting a few rows away from him.

Jean, who was right behind the jury box, had the privilege of looking over the jury's shoulders. She could see that all of them were writing 'stupid things' down on their slates. One of them didn't know how to spell 'stupid' and had to ask his neighbor for the answer.

Jean suddenly felt a strong urge to say those two words again.

One of the jurors, Jamie the Lizard (Jean recognized him as the poor creature who was kicked out of a chimney by her) had a very annoying pencil. When he wrote something, it squeaked. When he twirled it in between his fingers, it squeaked. When he breathed, it squeaked.

This pencil grated on her nerves so much that eventually, Jean snatched it out of his hand and hid it beneath her foot. Jamie looked around wildly for his pencil but never found it. The poor fellow had to write with his finger for the rest of the day, seeing as nobody around him had an extra pencil and he didn't dare to stand up and ask for one. However, he made no marks on his slate.

* * *

'Poor Jamie,' said Jean kindly.

'You're one to talk! You took my pencil in the first place!' yelled Jamie, so agitated that he accidentally multiplied himself. The dupes all started talking at once, complaining about the poor treatment they had received during the course of the story.

* * *

Anna loudly rapped her gavel against the wooden table, and everybody fell silent for fear of getting their heads removed from their body.

Remy cleared his throat loudly and announced, 'Herald, read the charges!'

Scott blew three sharp blasts on his trumpet before unrolling his scroll and reading the following paragraph:

'The Queen of Hearts, she made some tarts, all on a summer day. The Knave of Hearts, he stole those tarts, and took them clean away.'

'Consider your verdict,' Remy loudly instructed the jury.

Scott interrupted with, 'Not yet! There's still a lot more to deal with before that.'

'Call the first witness in,' replied Remy, and Scott once again blew three notes on his trumpet and yelled, 'First witness!'

The first witness was Mastermind the Hatter. He walked in with a teacup in one hand and a piece of buttered bread in the other. 'Excuse me, your Majesties,' he stuttered, 'for bringing these in, but I hadn't finished my tea when I was called for.'

'You ought to have finished,' said Remy reprovingly.

'When did you start?' asked Anna.

Mastermind gazed imploringly at Deadpool the March Hare and Toad the Dormouse, who had followed him into the court, arm-in-arm with each other. However, neither of the two said anything, so Mastermind answered, 'Fourteenth of March, I think.'

'Fifteen,' Deadpool piped up.

'Sixteen!' squeaked Toad in protest.

'Write that down! All of it!' Remy shouted to the jury.

Eagerly, they all added the three numbers up on their slates, and reduced the answer to dollars and cents. '25 dollars and 904 cents, your Majesty!' cried one of them, while another one elbowed him and spoke up, '1.492 dollars and half a cent!'

'Excellent, excellent,' cried Remy gleefully.

* * *

'Are you an idiot or what?!' demanded Rogue.

''Or what'' was Remy's glib answer.

* * *

'Take off your hat,' instructed Anna.

'It isn't mine,' replied Mastermind.

'STOLEN!' shouted both Anna and Remy at once. The jury went into another flurry of excitement, making notes on their slates. Unfortunately for them, nothing they wrote made any sense whatsoever.

* * *

'Well, at least you two finally agree on something,' joked Kurt.

The response he received from Rogue shut him up immediately.

* * *

'Please, your Majesty,' shuddered Mastemind, who was shaking so much that even his hair was trembling. 'I don't have any hats of my own. I'm a hatter- I keep them to sell!'

Remy ignored this and plowed on. 'Let's hear your evidence. Don't be nervous, or I'll have you executed on the spot.'

This, understandably, hardly encouraged the witness. He kept shifting from one foot to the other, looking uneasily at Anna. In his confusion, he bit off a large piece of his teacup instead of his bread and butter. However, this was normal behaviour for him, so no one took notice.

Just at that moment, Jean realized that she was beginning to grow again.

At first, she pondered leaving the room. Finally, she decided to stay where she was as long as there was room for her.

'You're squeezing me to death! I can't breathe!' wailed Toad- who'd sat down beside her- dramatically.

* * *

Wanda's face brightened at this. 'Yippee!' she cried, to Toad's chagrin.

* * *

'I can't help it,' Jean replied meekly. 'I'm growing. Rapidly.'

'You have no right to grow here,' groused Toad.

'Don't talk nonsense,' replied Jean boldly. 'You're growing too.'

'Yes, but not in that ridiculous fashion,' Toad snapped sulkily, before getting up and sitting down on the other side of the court.

Throughout this whole exchange, Anna had been staring closely at Mastermind. Just as Toad crossed the court, she said to one of her soldiers, 'Bring me the list of singers present at the previous concert.'

Upon hearing this, Mastermind quaked so badly that he accidentally shook off his overcoat.

'Give your evidence,' Remy repeated firmly. 'Or I'll have you executed whether you're innocent or not.'

'I'm a poor man, your Majesty. And I hadn't finished my tea- and what with the bread and butter getting thin, and the twinkling of the tea-'

'The twinkling of the what?' Remy interrupted.

'It began with the tea.'

'Of course twinkling begins with a T! Do you take me for a fool?'

* * *

'Honestly?' said Mastermind. 'Yes, yes I do.'

* * *

'Most things twinkled after that,' Mastermind went on. 'And Deadpool said-'

'I didn't,' snapped Deadpool, who was busy filing his nails with a wickedly sharp dagger.

'He denies it!' announced Remy happily. 'Leave out that part!'

'What?' exclaimed Jean in astonishment. _Is this really how they conduct trials here?_

Nobody acknowledged her presence, not even Sabretooth, who was busy carving swear words into the table leg with his claws.

* * *

'Typical,' was Jean's response to this.

Scott looked appalled at the idea of someone carving swear words into a courtroom. 'You can't do this!' cried the rule-abiding fellow.

A growl was Sabretooth's only reply as he resumed his staring match with Logan.

* * *

Mastermind looked around nervously to see if Toad would deny it too, but Toad denied nothing because he was fast asleep.

Remy cleared his throat again and stared Mastermind down, waiting for him to say something. The poor Hatter started to ramble. 'After that, I tripped over my own feet, and landed face first in Deadpool's banana pastry-'

'Did not!' shouted Deadpool, leaping onto the table. 'I-' at this, he paused, looking confused. 'Never mind.'

Once again, Jean's only comment was a very befuddled 'What?'

Mastermind shot his friend a death glare and hurriedly continued, 'And then I fixed some more bread and butter-'

'But what did Toad say?' asked the only juror who'd been paying attention.

'I can't remember,' mumbled Mastermind.

'You must remember, or I'll have you beheaded!' cried Remy, and Anna immediately sat up straighter at the mention of heads rolling.

'I'm a poor man, your Majesty,' wept Mastermind, dropping his teacup and going down on one knee.

'You're a very poor speaker,' remarked Remy.

'Meanie,' muttered Mastermind, still recovering from the storm of magenta cards previously rained down upon him.

'If that's all you know about the matter, you may stand down.'

'I can't get any lower. I'm already on the floor!'

'Then you may sit down,' replied Remy.

'I'd rather finish my tea outside,' said Mastermind, with a nervous glance at Anna, who was reading the list of singers. The ones who were present at the concert where Mastermind had apparently ended Time's life.

'You may go,' said Remy, and Mastermind dashed out of the room like Cerberus itself was close behind him. He was so desperate to leave, he left his shoes behind by accident.

'Call the next witness,' ordered Remy.

The next person was Belladonna the Cook. Because she carried a can of pepper in her hand, Jean knew who it was even before she entered the court, as people near the door suddenly began sneezing.

As she stood in front of the King, she gave him a look that would have made him drop dead if looks could kill.

'Give your evidence,' Remy instructed.

'I won't,' replied Belladonna defiantly.

They both glared viciously at each other, refusing to break eye contact.

* * *

'Such a loving couple,' Rogue remarked sarcastically.

* * *

Scott chimed in, 'Your Majesty, you should cross-examine her.'

'What are tarts made of?' asked Remy.

'Pepper.'

'Treacle,' came a sleepy voice from behind her.

Anna spoke, having thrown aside the list of singers. 'BEHEAD THAT DORMOUSE!' she bellowed, sending the court into chaos. People chased the now fully awake Toad around, trying to catch him and throw him out. A pigeon flew into the court and hexed him.

* * *

**That's Wanda. She returns from Chapter 5.**

'Yay!' cried Wanda, shooting off some celebratory hexes, all of which (not-so) mysteriously hit Toad.

* * *

'OFF WITH HIS HEAD!'

'Cut off his limbs!'

'Put him to sleep!'

This last suggestion was met with some approval from Toad. 'If you don't mind, I'd like the rest of my forty winks now!'

Jean stayed behind her table with Sabretooth, who was playing Tic Tac Toe with himself.

Eventually, somebody chucked Toad out of the room, and order reigned once more.

Eventually, after much confusion, everybody settled down once more. 'Well, thank goodness,' said Remy in relief. 'Call the next witness!' he told Scott, before whispering to Anna, 'Really, ma chère, you must cross-examine the next person. Désolé but my headache simply is too much for me to do it.'

Jean watched Scott fumble with his parchment, wondering who the next witness would be. _They haven't got much evidence yet_, she thought.

Imagine her surprise when Scott called out in a shrill voice, 'Jean!'

* * *

**We're getting close to the end. Hang in there!**


	14. Chapter 14- Jean's Evidence

**Chapter 14- Jean's Evidence**

**Sporks: BWAHAHA! 'Scott, I laugh at your shrillness' I giggled insanely at this. Thanks for the awesome review! :) Wanda the Pigeon! Teehee! And, um, it's Michelle. Claire is just the name of my favourite singer. Hehe**

* * *

'Here!' shouted Jean, hurriedly leaping to her feet. She'd momentarily forgotten how large she'd grown in the past few minutes. The hem of her skirt somehow knocked over the jury box and the jurors all spilled out. They sprawled on the floor haphazardly and she clasped her hands over her mouth in horror.

It reminded her of an incident that had happened a week before, when she'd tipped over a bowl of goldfish by accident. She quickly started to shove the jurors back into their original positions, with the vague notion that they would all die if they weren't back in the box soon.

'The trial cannot proceed until all of the jury are back in their proper places,' said Remy sternly, glaring at Jean.

She glanced back at the crime scene and noticed that she'd stuffed Jamie in headfirst. The panicked lizard wildly waved his legs and tail in the air, trying to manoeuvre himself upright. 'I'm so sorry!' cried Jean as she yanked Jamie out and set him down on his seat properly- albeit a bit too roughly. The shell-shocked creature was so traumatised by this series of unfortunate events that he merely stared into thin air with his mouth wide open. Meanwhile, the other jurors set to work, madly scribbling down the story of their mishap down on their slates. It would have been quite accurate but most of them exaggerated- for example, one of them described herself as having flown eleven and a half metres through the air when the incident happened.

'What do you know about this business with the tarts?' asked Anna brusquely.

'Nothing,' replied Jean honestly.

'Nothing whatever?' Anna persisted, staring hard at Jean.

'Nothing whatever,' confirmed Jean.

'That's very important,' piped up Remy.

The jurors began to write this down when Scott interrupted, 'Unimportant, Your Majesty means, of course,' in a very respectful tone.

* * *

'Apocalypse has arrived,' quipped Remy. 'Scott respects me.'

* * *

Yet at the same time, he frowned at Remy and made funny faces.

* * *

'I spoke too soon.'

* * *

'I meant unimportant, of course,' Remy corrected quickly and then muttered to himself, 'important, unimportant, important, unimportant'. It was almost as if he was trying to decide which word sounded better.

* * *

'The awkward moment,' said Kitty, 'when Remy has completely lost it.'

* * *

Some of the jurors wrote down 'important' while others wrote down 'unimportant'.

'Well, it doesn't really matter,' thought Jean.

'SILENCE!' shouted Remy. 'Rule 63: **(1)** All persons more than a mile high must leave the court.'

Everybody's heads turned towards Jean. 'I'm not a mile high,' she said.

'Nearly two miles high,' snapped Anna.

'Well, I refuse to go,' Jean replied. 'Besides, that's not a regular rule. You just made it up.'

'It's the oldest rule in the book!' Remy proclaimed hastily, slamming the book shut. 'Consider your verdict,' he said to the jury quickly.

'Wait!' squeaked Scott.

* * *

**That's for Sporks! Teehee!**

'I'm the Fearless Leader! I do not squeak!' protested Scott.

* * *

'There's more evidence! This paper has just been delivered!'

'What's in it?' asked Anna.

Scott replied, 'I haven't opened yet. But it seems to be a missive addressed from somebody to somebody!'

* * *

'Scott,' said Warren dryly. 'I am in awe of your superior intelligence.'

* * *

'Unless it was written by nobody,' Remy chimed in. 'Which isn't the usual way, you know.'

* * *

**Warren, ditto that for Remy.**

* * *

'Who is it addressed to?' asked one of the jurors.

'It isn't addressed to anyone at all,' replied Scott, confused. 'In fact, there isn't anything written on the outside.' He then unfurled the paper and added, 'it isn't a letter. It's a poem.'

'Is it in the prisoner's handwriting?' asked one of the jurors.

'No,' said Scott in response. 'That's the strangest thing about it.' The jury all looked astonished.

Remy said, 'He must have imitated someone else's handwriting.' At this, the jury brightened up again.

Joseph, who'd been getting paler and paler, spoke up. 'Please, Your Majesty. I didn't write it, and they can't prove that I did. There's no name signed at the end.'

'If you didn't sign it, that only makes the matter worse,' declared Remy triumphantly. 'You must have meant some mischief, or you'd have signed your name like an honest man.'

Everyone in the courtroom clapped loudly, as they thought it was the first clever thing that Remy had said all day.

'That proves his guilt,' said Anna. 'So off with his-'

'It doesn't prove anything of the sort,' retorted Jean. 'You don't even know what it's about!'

'Read it,' ordered Remy, and there was dead silence in the court as Scott began:

_'They told me you had been to her,_  
_And mentioned me to him;_  
_She gave me a good character,_  
_But said I could not swim._

_He sent them word I had not gone,_  
_We knew it to be true;_  
_If she should push the matter on,_  
_What would become of you?_

_I gave her one, they gave him two._  
_You gave us three or more;_  
_They all returned from him to you,_  
_Though they were mine before._

_If I or she should chance to be_  
_Involved in this affair,_  
_He trusts to you to set them free,_  
_Exactly as we were._

_My notion was that you had been_  
_Before she had this fit_  
_An obstacle that came between_  
_Him, and ourselves, and it._

_Don't let him know she liked them best,_  
_For this must ever be_  
_A secret kept from all the rest,_  
_Between yourself and me.'_

'That's the most important piece of evidence I've heard yet,' exclaimed Remy excitedly.

'I don't believe there's an atom of meaning in it,' remarked Jean. At that point, she'd grown so large that she wasn't afraid of interrupting Remy.

He pondered her words for a moment before declaring, 'If there's no meaning in it, that will save us a lot of trouble because we won't have to find any.'

* * *

'Remy,' said Rogue sarcastically. 'You are an absolute genius.'

* * *

'And yet I don't know,' he continued, re-reading the poem. 'I seem to be able to see some meaning in it after all- 'said I could not swim'- You can't swim, can you?' he asked Joseph.

Joseph shook his head sadly.

* * *

'Excellent!' cried Remy gleefully, 'Just think... I could push him into the sea and make it look like an accident... Oh, the possibilities!'

* * *

'Do I look like I can?' Being made of cardboard, he really didn't look the part of an able swimmer.

Remy went on muttering under his breath about the verses. ''We knew it to be true'- that's the jury. 'If she should push the matter on'- that 'she' must be the Queen. 'What would become of you?' What indeed, Knave! 'I gave her one, they gave him two'- why, that must have been what was done with the tarts.'

'But it goes on 'they all returned from him to you',' said Jean.

'There they are,' said Remy, pointing at the tarts on the table. 'Then again... 'before she had this fit'- you never had fits, did you, chère?'

'NEVER!' roared Anna, hurling an ink pot at the jury box. It smashed into Jamie, who immediately started using the ink dripping down his face to write on his slate. Before then, he had abandoned all hope of making any record on his slate as he had lost his pencil.

'Then the words don't fit you,' answered Remy with a smile.

There was silence.

'It's a pun,' Remy added angrily and everybody laughed.

* * *

'Idiot,' muttered Jubilee.

* * *

'Let the jury consider their verdict,' ordered Remy.

'No, no!' cried Anna. 'Sentence first- verdict afterwards.'

'Nonsense,' snapped Jean. 'The idea of having the sentence first.'

'Hold your tongue!' cried Anna.

'I won't!' retorted Jean defiantly.

'Off with her head!' declared Anna, but nobody moved as Jean towered above them.

'I'm not afraid of you,' said Jean. 'You're nothing but a pack of cards.'

At that moment, the whole deck rose up and flew down upon her. Screaming, she tried to fight them off- only to find herself back on the riverbank with her sister, who was brushing away some dead leaves that had fluttered onto her face.

'Wake up, darling,' said Emma. 'What a long sleep you've had.'

'Oh, I've had the most curious dream!' exclaimed Jean, then proceeding to tell Emma all about her strange adventures.

* * *

**I find it strange that Jean and Em are actually having a decent conversation for once...**

* * *

'It was certainly odd,' replied Emma. 'But now you must go and finish your tea. It's getting quite late.'

So Jean ran back home, grinning all the way; knowing that, deep in her heart, she'd never forget that wonderful dream.

**~fin**

* * *

**(1) A reference to that 'Rule 63: Gambit' picture going round. It's on my Facebook page. Or at least, it will be once I stop procrastinating and post it.**

**Next week's bonus chapter is the last.**

**I'll miss this story :)**


	15. Bonus Chapter

**Bonus Chapter- Ready, Get Set, Audition!**

**Sporks, the first part of this chapter is for you. I hope it raises your respect for the Scarlet Witch a little... Also, I LOVE YOUR REVIEWS! They made me laugh so hard I actually fell off the chair *wipes tears of laughter away* Heehee! BWAHAHA! Captain Spandex XD Fits Scott very well, yes?**

**Rule 63 is genderbending. And the female version of Gambit looks friggin' awesome.**

**'SET IT ON FIRE!' Yes! PYRO! WE HAVE WORK TO DO! HAHAHAHAHA**

**Note: stuff in bold is my commentary/dialogue with the characters**

* * *

**Casting:**

**Wanda as the Queen of Hearts**

**Toad as the Knave of Hearts**

'OFF WITH HIS HEAD!' bellowed Wanda maniacally, her curly hair flying wildly as she pointed at Toad. 'AT ANY COST! OFF WITH HIS HEAD! IT MUST ROLL! IT MUST BE OFF, I SAY!'

* * *

**Casting:**

**Charles Xavier as the Mock Turtle**

**Pyro as the Gryphon**

Once Charles and John had finished their rendition of the Lobster Quadrille, they both stared at Jean in anticipation. 'It was a very pretty dance,' she said awkwardly.

Charles began to cry.

'You- you're lying! I know you absolutely abhorred it!' he choked out.

_He's a telepath?_

'Now, now, mate, no need for tears,' said John hastily, heavily patting Charles on his back.

'I- I did enjoy it! Sort of!' cried Jean in an attempt to resolve matters. Unfortunately... It just made things worse. Charles threw himself onto the floor and bawled like a baby.

'Talk about adding fuel to the fire,' sighed Jean. Immediately, she realised that she'd made a huge, fatal and absolutely lethal mistake.

At the mention of fire, John's eyes brightened and he clicked his lighter. Instantly the field was engulfed in flames. The pyromaniac had been let loose on the world.

Jean, confronted with the insane creature and the sobbing turtle, did the only thing she could.

I'm out of here,' she muttered, using her powers to levitate herself out of Wonderland.

* * *

**Casting:**

**Logan as the Dormouse**

'I will not,' snarled the feral mutant. 'I will not be cast in this humiliting role. Especially not with Furry over there laughing his ass off.'

Indeed, Sabretooth was rolling on the floor laughing.

**But you walked in by yourself! You volunteered! All we needed was for you to scream, 'I VOLUNTEER! I VOLUNTEER!' in a way that would have made Katniss proud.**

'Did not! I stumbled upon this door by accident!'

**Details, details. Now... Five, four, three, two, Logan-shut-up-and-act ONE!**

Logan the Dormouse snoozed on as Jean, Wade and Mastermind attempted to hold a conversation.

'Wake up, you bloody, over-sized, lazy mongrel,' said Wade, poking Logan.

Logan woke up- roaring, snarling, and growling. All at once. You have to hand it to him- that hairy, short Canadian sure could multitask.

'WHO ARE YOU CALLING MONGREL?!' he bellowed, launching himself at Wade.

Wade responded in kind, whipping out a couple of weapons. By a couple, I mean, three katanas, eight switchblades, one bazooka, multiple lethal guns, and one Whack-A-Mole hammer.

**Okay, okay. I have two furious warriors having a go at each other in the middle of my studio. Both have healing factors and are extremely deadly. What should I do? Keep calm and- AHHHHHHHHHHH EVERYBODY RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!**

* * *

**Casting:**

**Wanda as the Queen (again)**

**Pyro as the King**

**Magneto as the Knave**

**Jubilee as the juror, the Sparrow**

Jubilee stood up and announced, 'The jury has decided upon Erik's guilt.'

'Excellent,' declared Wanda. 'So off with his-'

'WAIT!' came a squeaky voice from the door. Toad scuttled into the courtroom, a wilted bouquet clutched in one slimy hand.

'No!' cried Wanda frantically. 'Don't let him in!' A couple of lethal hexes sparked from her fingertips and slammed into their target.

Pandemonium exploded in the courtroom as Wanda went berserk and started to wildly attack Toad. Unfortunately, most of her shots were off target due to her anger. Thus, her magic harmed more of the furniture than Toad himself.

'She's insane!' cried one of the jurors, as he escaped the courtroom along with his companions from the box.

* * *

**Casting:**

**Kurt as Cheshire**

**Jean as Alice**

_BAMF!_ Kurt popped up from nowhere, elicting a startled shriek from Jean.

'Oh, sorry!' he exclaimed. 'But, my friend, I just want to know what happened to the baby.'

'It turned into a pig and ran off.'

'Right,' replied Kurt, _BAMF_-ing into the forest.

A few minutes later, he appeared in front of Jean again.

'Did you say pig or fig?' he asked.

'I said pig. He sprouted a snout and trotted away.'

'Right,' said Kurt again, disappearing with the usual smell of brimstone.

A short while later...

_BAMF!_

Jean sighed.

* * *

**Casting:**

**Pyro as the Hatter**

**Bobby as the King**

'Don't be nervous, or I'll have you executed,' said Bobby sternly.

'Who are you to order me around? Blasphemy!' snapped Pyro as flames sprung to life around him, courtesy of his many lighters. For the third time that day, the courtroom was in utter upheaval.

* * *

**Casting:**

**Magneto as the Flamingo**

**Jamie as the Hedgehog**

**Rogue as the Queen of Hearts**

**Gambit as the King of Hearts**

'Steady, steady…' Rogue aimed and thwacked her flamingo at the hedgehog.

Unfortunately for Erik the flamingo and fortunately for everyone else, he went face-first into Jamie's spiky back. This resulted in Erik howling in agony as he received a faceful of quills, Jamie multiplying as a result of the shock, Anna dropping Erik in surprise at the sight of the sudden hedgehog swarm, and Erik plunging into the midst of the Jamies.

'YEOWW! OOOF! NO, NOT THERE! AHHHHHH! THAT HURT! MOMMY!'

**Breaking news: The Amazing Bucket-Wearing Flamingo Brutally Stabbed Repeatedly By Stampede of Crazed Hedgehogs While the Queen and the King Calmly Sip Lemonade and Watch. The Queen Giggled Maniacally and Perhaps Slightly Sadistically. **

* * *

**Casting:**

**Joseph as the Knave of Hearts**

**Gambit and Rogue as the King and Queen**

**Everyone else as… Everyone else**

'Guilty!' the jury declared happily.

'Great!' cheered Rogue. 'Prepare the torture board!'

Joseph let out an audible gulp.

In a short time, he was strapped to a wooden board, having food scraps chucked at him.

'DOWN WITH THE KNAVE!' chanted the bloodthirsty crowd, busy throwing rotten tomatoes at Joseph.

He growled as a limp pear went _splat _against his face but there was really nothing he could do.

'Why bother with executions?' laughed Anna. 'This is so much more fun!'

Remy smiled fondly and swept her into a grand kiss, to the raucous cheers of the crowd.

* * *

**~The End! (Or is it?)**

**Don't be sad :) I have another Alice parody in the works. And probably a couple more of other movies/fairytales. **

**I'll be back.**

**-Mitch x**


End file.
